I'm in a daze today, and a little blue. All I can say is "thank you Lord this strange year is done." Yet I am blue because I cannot shake the feeling that the strangeness is not done yet. 2010 is giving me the heebie-jeebies, frankly.
Remember the old Chinese proverb, sort of a sly insult, that "may you live in interesting times?" Well, 2009 was interesting to say the least. Year end wrap ups are so cliche, but I am going to do one anyway.
So the year started off with me losing my job on January 29th. As I stated in previous entries, I don't miss doing what I did per se, but I miss the steady paycheck and the sense of "well, at least I am employed."
In June I experienced one of the few highlights when I took a massive road trip through Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and Idaho. I visited two sisters and their families, as well as friends all over. It was 10 days and 3708 miles, and I loved every minute of it. Well, every minute except that flat tire near Topanga. But it got dealt with, I had a little money saved for backup.
The summer saw the hottest temperature ever in our area, and the hottest I have personally ever experienced - it got to 107 degrees in Puyallup. I walked around outside in it for about 10 minutes. It was an unreal feeling, fortunately it was not very humid. In fact, I didn't really even sweat, or if I did it evaporated almost instantly. The sky wasn't even really blue that day, more of a blueish-gunmetal gray. We were very happy for our air conditioner that day, even if it was small.
I started taking a class at Pierce College in September, with the goal of getting into an entirely new career. It was just a basic algebra course, but it felt good to get back into the academic life after 21 years away. Getting a 4.0 was nice too.
Then, as if to offset the very hot summer days, we had very cold days in December, so cold that we had a pipe burst in the ceiling of our craft room downstairs. We are still trying to deal with that, thankfully it is covered by our insurance.
So, why such a strange year? I felt really down and "stuck" for a while. The career and relationship issues I have struggled with ate away even further than normal at what had been a tenuous self-esteem at best. I spent much of the summer after the road trip in a daze, wanting to just hit the road again and escape. Of course, that was not an option, I love my kids far too much to just up and leave them behind.
I'm just tired of dealing with relationship issues. I am not going to get into them here, it's not fair to her. Suffice it to say it is one area that will either have to change in 2010 - in one way or another. The status quo no longer works for me.
The summer funk got so bad I went into counseling as well, and I feel I have slowly started to turn a corner on some issues. I've stopped a lot of the negative self-dialogue. I got into school. I feel like the counseling is helping in most areas in fact, and it's made me realize the other areas are ones where I need to step up and make a decision.
OK, enough of the seriousness.
2009 seemed like it had few really good movies. There were lots of decent ones, but few where I felt I had to run out and buy the DVD. The big exception to that was "Up" - if you haven't seen it yet, do so now. The new Star Trek movie was also nice, as was the 6th Harry Potter and the 2nd Twilight. We just saw Sherlock Holmes, and that was entertaining. I'm told we need to see "Avatar", so that will happen soon.
Back at the beginning of the year we were telling someone how much we loved Joss Whedon's "Firefly" and it's movie "Serenity". They recommended "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" to us. Well, it was available on Netflix, and we were hooked. We also wound up loving the spinoff "Angel", and even enjoyed the first season of "The Dollhouse." On a sad TV note, "Battlestar Galactica" ended it's four seasons in the spring, but it was a good ride while it lasted.
Christmas was nice this year. It was weirdly so, because we couldn't afford to buy presents for anyone, but that was oddly freeing in a way. The pressure was off to come up with the money and shop for crap that people may not even like anyway. We bought a few things for our kids, one small thing for my mom (since she helped us tremendously this year), and a few items for "white elephant" gift exchanges - that was it. It was maybe $150 tops, probably less. We have spend several hundred dollars in years past.
OK, wrapping up with a little seriousness again.
So, what does 2010 hold? I'm not sure. I know finances are going to get worse before they get better. We may have to part with our house at some point, and perhaps a car as well.
I'm tired of feeling like a deadbeat, relying on others for help. I know times are tough for everyone right now, but I have always ridden the rough edge of irresponsibility, so it's not a new pattern for me. I'm almost 44 for crying out loud, will I ever be an adult?
I am toying with just bailing on school because I need to be bringing in some money somehow, even if it's just stocking shelves at Hell-Mart. I love school, but feeding my kids is more important.
I know things will get better eventually, but 2010 is offering exactly squat as far as promise of that so far.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It's weird, I read a blog from a teenager I know who felt that the best years of her life were behind her already. That made me incredibly sad.
I'm almost 44, and I am hoping that my best years are still to come.
I know there is more out there. I know I have lived a life half-awake, letting things happen to me. I don't want to do this anymore.
Some things have started to change. My soul-sucking job is a thing of the past, and I am almost 100% positive I will never be in that industry at that point. While unemployment is not ideal, I am trying to make a positive of it. I was so tired of doing what I did.
I want a career where I can help people. My schooling will go to making that dream come true. So, I feel in charge there. Hey, I'm getting an "A" so far, and as long as I don't tank the final I should finish with that "A". Winter quarter will be more challenging, I will have a full load instead of one class.
I've been in therapy, I still have had some old self-images and habits that needed to be dealt with. I am not totally "well" yet, but feeling a lot better. It doesn't seem that I will need meds or anything.
I'm exercising and eating better. The older I get, the slower the weight comes off, but I have determined this time that it is a lifetime change of how I approach things, not just a quick attempt to look a little better.
There is an old "80's" era movie where a character says "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons." If I am going to be with someone, I just wonder if it's too much to ask for respect, affection, and intimacy? But I also realize if the other person doesn't feel those things, then that's not the right relationship. And there is no fault there, people cannot help how they feel.
I'm almost 44, and I am hoping that my best years are still to come.
I know there is more out there. I know I have lived a life half-awake, letting things happen to me. I don't want to do this anymore.
Some things have started to change. My soul-sucking job is a thing of the past, and I am almost 100% positive I will never be in that industry at that point. While unemployment is not ideal, I am trying to make a positive of it. I was so tired of doing what I did.
I want a career where I can help people. My schooling will go to making that dream come true. So, I feel in charge there. Hey, I'm getting an "A" so far, and as long as I don't tank the final I should finish with that "A". Winter quarter will be more challenging, I will have a full load instead of one class.
I've been in therapy, I still have had some old self-images and habits that needed to be dealt with. I am not totally "well" yet, but feeling a lot better. It doesn't seem that I will need meds or anything.
I'm exercising and eating better. The older I get, the slower the weight comes off, but I have determined this time that it is a lifetime change of how I approach things, not just a quick attempt to look a little better.
There is an old "80's" era movie where a character says "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons." If I am going to be with someone, I just wonder if it's too much to ask for respect, affection, and intimacy? But I also realize if the other person doesn't feel those things, then that's not the right relationship. And there is no fault there, people cannot help how they feel.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Still the romantic at heart (sometimes)
I watched the movie 17 Again tonight - the second time I've seen it now. I bought the DVD for $10 recently, I liked it well enough to pay that at least.
It stars a young up-and-coming actor named Zac Efron, and also Matthew Perry from the show Friends. Perry plays the older version of Efron's character.
Perry's version is losing everything in his life, his wife, his kids, his job, his very identity.
Oh, I think I could relate.
It made me think of my own situation. No, it's not as bad as his. I get along better with my kids, at least I do at this time. I hope that never changes. But I know kids want so badly to hurry up and grow to adulthood. I just hope I never become as alienated from my kids as he did from his.
The job? Feh. I don't miss that. OK, I miss the people - well, most of them. I miss working on the charity committee. But I don't miss the company, my boss, or the duties I had to perform.
Perry/Efron's character wants things to work out in the marriage. And after watching that movie tonight I realized I still had that desire in me. I thought it had died, it may currently be on life-support, but reports of it's demise are premature.
I don't know. It may be too late. Many things have transpired, we each have brought a load of fuel to the bonfire threatening the marriage. It would take a bloody miracle from God himself at this point.
I want the romance, silly as that may sound coming from a 43 year old man. I want the closeness back. I want the friendship, the laughter, cuddling on a cold morning, and feeling like I am connected with another human being. I miss the hugs and kisses I often got when I least expected them, like when I was cooking dinner. If we could make the kids go "ewwwww", I figured we were doing it right.
No, I don't expect perfection, but I know for a FACT things can be 10000000000000 times better than they are now.
I feel like there are two cold, empty, lonely ghosts drifting through our house these days. A forced civility and desperate attempts at levity. A silent agreement not to speak of anything other than the news, weather, or the movie we just watched.
That isn't living. It's almost dead.
It stars a young up-and-coming actor named Zac Efron, and also Matthew Perry from the show Friends. Perry plays the older version of Efron's character.
Perry's version is losing everything in his life, his wife, his kids, his job, his very identity.
Oh, I think I could relate.
It made me think of my own situation. No, it's not as bad as his. I get along better with my kids, at least I do at this time. I hope that never changes. But I know kids want so badly to hurry up and grow to adulthood. I just hope I never become as alienated from my kids as he did from his.
The job? Feh. I don't miss that. OK, I miss the people - well, most of them. I miss working on the charity committee. But I don't miss the company, my boss, or the duties I had to perform.
Perry/Efron's character wants things to work out in the marriage. And after watching that movie tonight I realized I still had that desire in me. I thought it had died, it may currently be on life-support, but reports of it's demise are premature.
I don't know. It may be too late. Many things have transpired, we each have brought a load of fuel to the bonfire threatening the marriage. It would take a bloody miracle from God himself at this point.
I want the romance, silly as that may sound coming from a 43 year old man. I want the closeness back. I want the friendship, the laughter, cuddling on a cold morning, and feeling like I am connected with another human being. I miss the hugs and kisses I often got when I least expected them, like when I was cooking dinner. If we could make the kids go "ewwwww", I figured we were doing it right.
No, I don't expect perfection, but I know for a FACT things can be 10000000000000 times better than they are now.
I feel like there are two cold, empty, lonely ghosts drifting through our house these days. A forced civility and desperate attempts at levity. A silent agreement not to speak of anything other than the news, weather, or the movie we just watched.
That isn't living. It's almost dead.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Slippage
Things erode. This is the natural order of things. The water streams of life wear them away, and in the end we are left something much different than before.
We try to build bulkheads and walls of sandbags, and hope to make it to our end goal with our most precious things somewhat intact before the erosion of our very own life washes down the stream.
But these do not always work, especially when neglect, callous disinterest, and fear paralyze us.
I've seen erosion in two big areas of my life in the last few days and weeks.
I lost a friend merely because of a disagreement over a stupid internet message board. I tried to reason with him, explain my point of view, but the erosion won out in the end.
Callous disregard may have played a part here. How good of a friend could he have been if he was willing to let something so small be enough reason for him to allow the waters to wash away 10 years of friendship.
This is not to say the pieces could not be retrieved from downstream and things rebuilt, but you know how it is, once a thing is broken it can never be the same again.
The other example of erosion is one I cannot talk about here, but suffice it to say the bank underneath a huge structure of my existence is almost completely washed out, and the structure is about to fall into the water. And I cannot fix it alone, but let me assure you I am most certainly alone in this regard.
And the river runs on.
We try to build bulkheads and walls of sandbags, and hope to make it to our end goal with our most precious things somewhat intact before the erosion of our very own life washes down the stream.
But these do not always work, especially when neglect, callous disinterest, and fear paralyze us.
I've seen erosion in two big areas of my life in the last few days and weeks.
I lost a friend merely because of a disagreement over a stupid internet message board. I tried to reason with him, explain my point of view, but the erosion won out in the end.
Callous disregard may have played a part here. How good of a friend could he have been if he was willing to let something so small be enough reason for him to allow the waters to wash away 10 years of friendship.
This is not to say the pieces could not be retrieved from downstream and things rebuilt, but you know how it is, once a thing is broken it can never be the same again.
The other example of erosion is one I cannot talk about here, but suffice it to say the bank underneath a huge structure of my existence is almost completely washed out, and the structure is about to fall into the water. And I cannot fix it alone, but let me assure you I am most certainly alone in this regard.
And the river runs on.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
So, what to say....what to say.....?
It's been a few months since I've blogged here, since February 26th to be precise. It's now July 2, I'll be shocked if I have any readers left besides maybe my daughter.
I have been through far too much to type all out right now. I admit I feel daunted by starting this thing up again, but my daughter has asked me to, so I will try.
So, I give you the nutshell version of the last few months, with a promise of more to come.
I went on a very long road trip - 3708 miles in 10 days, through 8 states.
I have this weird growth on my finger. I think it's a wart. I was putting Compound W on it, and it was drying out, but then I accidentally skinned part of it, and then wound up having to remove the rest of the skin.
Yes, I did this by myself. Not having any health insurance sucks balls.
I am still unemployed, and thinking of going back to school.
I am growing a garden - Hoerler Unemployment Garden. My tomatoes are going nutso, it's been a nice warm late spring and early summer. I've already harvested spinach and lettuce. For some reason the herbs aren't doing as well. Go figure.
I'm back on an exercise plan, it involves walking around a track and going up and down bleacher steps.
I've become a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and also Angel. People kept telling me if I liked Firefly, I should try those two as well, and they were right.
Battlestar Galactica ended, and I miss it.
The last two movies I saw in a theater were most excellent - the new "Star Trek" and Pixar's "Up". Go see them if you can.
We just saw Gran Torino on DVD, and I cannot recommend that enough either. Some of Clint's finest work.
OK, that's it for now, hope to see you here soon!
I have been through far too much to type all out right now. I admit I feel daunted by starting this thing up again, but my daughter has asked me to, so I will try.
So, I give you the nutshell version of the last few months, with a promise of more to come.
I went on a very long road trip - 3708 miles in 10 days, through 8 states.
I have this weird growth on my finger. I think it's a wart. I was putting Compound W on it, and it was drying out, but then I accidentally skinned part of it, and then wound up having to remove the rest of the skin.
Yes, I did this by myself. Not having any health insurance sucks balls.
I am still unemployed, and thinking of going back to school.
I am growing a garden - Hoerler Unemployment Garden. My tomatoes are going nutso, it's been a nice warm late spring and early summer. I've already harvested spinach and lettuce. For some reason the herbs aren't doing as well. Go figure.
I'm back on an exercise plan, it involves walking around a track and going up and down bleacher steps.
I've become a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and also Angel. People kept telling me if I liked Firefly, I should try those two as well, and they were right.
Battlestar Galactica ended, and I miss it.
The last two movies I saw in a theater were most excellent - the new "Star Trek" and Pixar's "Up". Go see them if you can.
We just saw Gran Torino on DVD, and I cannot recommend that enough either. Some of Clint's finest work.
OK, that's it for now, hope to see you here soon!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
It's Sonwing Out
Yes, that's a deliberate misspelling. There is snow falling, and whenever that happens I think back to someone I used to briefly work with years ago.
She wasn't the brightest bulb in the pack, and she was terrified of having to be out in the snow. So, I show up at work one morning, expecting to find her there finishing her late night shift.
But she is gone - thank goodness I had a key to get in, this was a very very small company.
She did at least leave a note. It read as follows, and all misspellings are exactly as she wrote them:
"It's sonwing outside. My boyfiend is coming to pick me up."
I get the giggles over that to this very day.
And it is snowing out today, in late February. That's not unheard of, but fairly rare by this time of the year. Surprisingly, my kids still had school. Usually our district cancels school if there are more than three flakes on the ground.
Well, that's it for today.
She wasn't the brightest bulb in the pack, and she was terrified of having to be out in the snow. So, I show up at work one morning, expecting to find her there finishing her late night shift.
But she is gone - thank goodness I had a key to get in, this was a very very small company.
She did at least leave a note. It read as follows, and all misspellings are exactly as she wrote them:
"It's sonwing outside. My boyfiend is coming to pick me up."
I get the giggles over that to this very day.
And it is snowing out today, in late February. That's not unheard of, but fairly rare by this time of the year. Surprisingly, my kids still had school. Usually our district cancels school if there are more than three flakes on the ground.
Well, that's it for today.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Unforgiven
Just a short rant today. I am on Facebook, in fact have become quite addicted to it. Search me out by my name, and you will find me - add me as a friend if you haven't already!
I have a WIDE variety of different types of friends on there. I have friends from: church, people I went to high school with, people I went to college with, people I used to work with, friends from the internet, and family.
I am also a Christian, and most Christians I personally know are cool people. But sometimes people of my faith can really annoy me. Usually the ones who feel we as followers of Christ must be very prim and proper and follow 4728942 different rules.
So where am I going with this?
I posted a funny video on Facebook, about the origin of the word "fuck". OK, so it's not for kids. But kids aren't supposed to be on Facebook.
This person, whom I shall not name, I will call "P" for brevity's sake. P did not like this video, in fact it incensed her. Here's the thing - she had the choice to play it or not. It was clearly labeled as to what it was about. Apparently she played it, despite it's rather obvious title.
So, she didn't like it one little bit. She removed me from her friend list. I actually noticed this, so I sent her a private message asking what was wrong. She replied that she was very offended by my video clip.
At this point, I am a little surprised. I sent her a nice note APOLOGIZING and promising not to do it again.
But she has chosen the path of non-forgiveness. I admit this bothers me a bit, given that we as Christians are supposed to be very forgiving.
So I guess all that is left is to forgive HER for this. She is still friends with the wonderful and amazing Mrs. Hoerler, and I respect that. I will not make waves in that regard.
I guess it just bums me out. I like P, and did not mean to upset her. I am even more bummed out she ignored my apology.
OK, I'm over it. :-)
I have a WIDE variety of different types of friends on there. I have friends from: church, people I went to high school with, people I went to college with, people I used to work with, friends from the internet, and family.
I am also a Christian, and most Christians I personally know are cool people. But sometimes people of my faith can really annoy me. Usually the ones who feel we as followers of Christ must be very prim and proper and follow 4728942 different rules.
So where am I going with this?
I posted a funny video on Facebook, about the origin of the word "fuck". OK, so it's not for kids. But kids aren't supposed to be on Facebook.
This person, whom I shall not name, I will call "P" for brevity's sake. P did not like this video, in fact it incensed her. Here's the thing - she had the choice to play it or not. It was clearly labeled as to what it was about. Apparently she played it, despite it's rather obvious title.
So, she didn't like it one little bit. She removed me from her friend list. I actually noticed this, so I sent her a private message asking what was wrong. She replied that she was very offended by my video clip.
At this point, I am a little surprised. I sent her a nice note APOLOGIZING and promising not to do it again.
But she has chosen the path of non-forgiveness. I admit this bothers me a bit, given that we as Christians are supposed to be very forgiving.
So I guess all that is left is to forgive HER for this. She is still friends with the wonderful and amazing Mrs. Hoerler, and I respect that. I will not make waves in that regard.
I guess it just bums me out. I like P, and did not mean to upset her. I am even more bummed out she ignored my apology.
OK, I'm over it. :-)
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