I Should Have Taken The Blue Pill

I Am Back!

2012-02-02T10:29:00.000-08:00

I stopped posting for a long while because I had a bad habit of posting things other people did not want to read. In fact, I went back and deleted a lot of said posts.

Because I have read what others have written about me, and I don't care for it either. It's passive-aggressive bullshit. We should just say what we need to say.

Yeah.

So I still have things to say, however. And say them I will. Soon.

Meet The New Year, Same As The Old Year?

2009-12-31T10:16:00.000-08:00

I'm in a daze today, and a little blue. All I can say is "thank you Lord this strange year is done." Yet I am blue because I cannot shake the feeling that the strangeness is not done yet. 2010 is giving me the heebie-jeebies, frankly.

Remember the old Chinese proverb, sort of a sly insult, that "may you live in interesting times?" Well, 2009 was interesting to say the least. Year end wrap ups are so cliche, but I am going to do one anyway.

So the year started off with me losing my job on January 29th. As I stated in previous entries, I don't miss doing what I did per se, but I miss the steady paycheck and the sense of "well, at least I am employed."

In June I experienced one of the few highlights when I took a massive road trip through Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and Idaho. I visited two sisters and their families, as well as friends all over. It was 10 days and 3708 miles, and I loved every minute of it. Well, every minute except that flat tire near Topanga. But it got dealt with, I had a little money saved for backup.

The summer saw the hottest temperature ever in our area, and the hottest I have personally ever experienced - it got to 107 degrees in Puyallup. I walked around outside in it for about 10 minutes. It was an unreal feeling, fortunately it was not very humid. In fact, I didn't really even sweat, or if I did it evaporated almost instantly. The sky wasn't even really blue that day, more of a blueish-gunmetal gray. We were very happy for our air conditioner that day, even if it was small.

I started taking a class at Pierce College in September, with the goal of getting into an entirely new career. It was just a basic algebra course, but it felt good to get back into the academic life after 21 years away. Getting a 4.0 was nice too.

Then, as if to offset the very hot summer days, we had very cold days in December, so cold that we had a pipe burst in the ceiling of our craft room downstairs. We are still trying to deal with that, thankfully it is covered by our insurance.

So, why such a strange year? I felt really down and "stuck" for a while. The career and relationship issues I have struggled with ate away even further than normal at what had been a tenuous self-esteem at best. I spent much of the summer after the road trip in a daze, wanting to just hit the road again and escape. Of course, that was not an option, I love my kids far too much to just up and leave them behind.

I'm just tired of dealing with relationship issues. I am not going to get into them here, it's not fair to her. Suffice it to say it is one area that will either have to change in 2010 - in one way or another. The status quo no longer works for me.

The summer funk got so bad I went into counseling as well, and I feel I have slowly started to turn a corner on some issues. I've stopped a lot of the negative self-dialogue. I got into school. I feel like the counseling is helping in most areas in fact, and it's made me realize the other areas are ones where I need to step up and make a decision.

OK, enough of the seriousness.

2009 seemed like it had few really good movies. There were lots of decent ones, but few where I felt I had to run out and buy the DVD. The big exception to that was "Up" - if you haven't seen it yet, do so now. The new Star Trek movie was also nice, as was the 6th Harry Potter and the 2nd Twilight. We just saw Sherlock Holmes, and that was entertaining. I'm told we need to see "Avatar", so that will happen soon.

Back at the beginning of the year we were telling someone how much we loved Joss Whedon's "Firefly" and it's movie "Serenity". They recommended "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" to us. Well, it was available on Netflix, and we were hooked. We also wound up loving the spinoff "Angel", and even enjoyed the first season of "The Dollhouse." On a sad TV note, "Battlestar Galactica" ended it's four seasons in the spring, but it was a good ride while it lasted.

Christmas was nice this year. It was weirdly so, because we couldn't afford to buy presents for anyone, but that was oddly freeing in a way. The pressure was off to come up with the money and shop for crap that people may not even like anyway. We bought a few things for our kids, one small thing for my mom (since she helped us tremendously this year), and a few items for "white elephant" gift exchanges - that was it. It was maybe $150 tops, probably less. We have spend several hundred dollars in years past.

OK, wrapping up with a little seriousness again.

So, what does 2010 hold? I'm not sure. I know finances are going to get worse before they get better. We may have to part with our house at some point, and perhaps a car as well.

I'm tired of feeling like a deadbeat, relying on others for help. I know times are tough for everyone right now, but I have always ridden the rough edge of irresponsibility, so it's not a new pattern for me. I'm almost 44 for crying out loud, will I ever be an adult?

I am toying with just bailing on school because I need to be bringing in some money somehow, even if it's just stocking shelves at Hell-Mart. I love school, but feeding my kids is more important.

I know things will get better eventually, but 2010 is offering exactly squat as far as promise of that so far.

2009-12-08T12:40:00.000-08:00

It's weird, I read a blog from a teenager I know who felt that the best years of her life were behind her already. That made me incredibly sad.

I'm almost 44, and I am hoping that my best years are still to come.

I know there is more out there. I know I have lived a life half-awake, letting things happen to me. I don't want to do this anymore.

Some things have started to change. My soul-sucking job is a thing of the past, and I am almost 100% positive I will never be in that industry at that point. While unemployment is not ideal, I am trying to make a positive of it. I was so tired of doing what I did.

I want a career where I can help people. My schooling will go to making that dream come true. So, I feel in charge there. Hey, I'm getting an "A" so far, and as long as I don't tank the final I should finish with that "A". Winter quarter will be more challenging, I will have a full load instead of one class.

I've been in therapy, I still have had some old self-images and habits that needed to be dealt with. I am not totally "well" yet, but feeling a lot better. It doesn't seem that I will need meds or anything.

I'm exercising and eating better. The older I get, the slower the weight comes off, but I have determined this time that it is a lifetime change of how I approach things, not just a quick attempt to look a little better.

There is an old "80's" era movie where a character says "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons." If I am going to be with someone, I just wonder if it's too much to ask for respect, affection, and intimacy? But I also realize if the other person doesn't feel those things, then that's not the right relationship. And there is no fault there, people cannot help how they feel.

Still the romantic at heart (sometimes)

2009-12-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie 17 Again tonight - the second time I've seen it now. I bought the DVD for $10 recently, I liked it well enough to pay that at least.

It stars a young up-and-coming actor named Zac Efron, and also Matthew Perry from the show Friends. Perry plays the older version of Efron's character.

Perry's version is losing everything in his life, his wife, his kids, his job, his very identity.

Oh, I think I could relate.

It made me think of my own situation. No, it's not as bad as his. I get along better with my kids, at least I do at this time. I hope that never changes. But I know kids want so badly to hurry up and grow to adulthood. I just hope I never become as alienated from my kids as he did from his.

The job? Feh. I don't miss that. OK, I miss the people - well, most of them. I miss working on the charity committee. But I don't miss the company, my boss, or the duties I had to perform.

Perry/Efron's character wants things to work out in the marriage. And after watching that movie tonight I realized I still had that desire in me. I thought it had died, it may currently be on life-support, but reports of it's demise are premature.

I don't know. It may be too late. Many things have transpired, we each have brought a load of fuel to the bonfire threatening the marriage. It would take a bloody miracle from God himself at this point.

I want the romance, silly as that may sound coming from a 43 year old man. I want the closeness back. I want the friendship, the laughter, cuddling on a cold morning, and feeling like I am connected with another human being. I miss the hugs and kisses I often got when I least expected them, like when I was cooking dinner. If we could make the kids go "ewwwww", I figured we were doing it right.

No, I don't expect perfection, but I know for a FACT things can be 10000000000000 times better than they are now.

I feel like there are two cold, empty, lonely ghosts drifting through our house these days. A forced civility and desperate attempts at levity. A silent agreement not to speak of anything other than the news, weather, or the movie we just watched.

That isn't living. It's almost dead.

Slippage

2009-10-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

Things erode. This is the natural order of things. The water streams of life wear them away, and in the end we are left something much different than before.

We try to build bulkheads and walls of sandbags, and hope to make it to our end goal with our most precious things somewhat intact before the erosion of our very own life washes down the stream.

But these do not always work, especially when neglect, callous disinterest, and fear paralyze us.

I've seen erosion in two big areas of my life in the last few days and weeks.

I lost a friend merely because of a disagreement over a stupid internet message board. I tried to reason with him, explain my point of view, but the erosion won out in the end.

Callous disregard may have played a part here. How good of a friend could he have been if he was willing to let something so small be enough reason for him to allow the waters to wash away 10 years of friendship.

This is not to say the pieces could not be retrieved from downstream and things rebuilt, but you know how it is, once a thing is broken it can never be the same again.

The other example of erosion is one I cannot talk about here, but suffice it to say the bank underneath a huge structure of my existence is almost completely washed out, and the structure is about to fall into the water. And I cannot fix it alone, but let me assure you I am most certainly alone in this regard.

And the river runs on.

So, what to say....what to say.....?

2009-07-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I've blogged here, since February 26th to be precise. It's now July 2, I'll be shocked if I have any readers left besides maybe my daughter.

I have been through far too much to type all out right now. I admit I feel daunted by starting this thing up again, but my daughter has asked me to, so I will try.

So, I give you the nutshell version of the last few months, with a promise of more to come.

I went on a very long road trip - 3708 miles in 10 days, through 8 states.

I have this weird growth on my finger. I think it's a wart. I was putting Compound W on it, and it was drying out, but then I accidentally skinned part of it, and then wound up having to remove the rest of the skin.

Yes, I did this by myself. Not having any health insurance sucks balls.

I am still unemployed, and thinking of going back to school.

I am growing a garden - Hoerler Unemployment Garden. My tomatoes are going nutso, it's been a nice warm late spring and early summer. I've already harvested spinach and lettuce. For some reason the herbs aren't doing as well. Go figure.

I'm back on an exercise plan, it involves walking around a track and going up and down bleacher steps.

I've become a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and also Angel. People kept telling me if I liked Firefly, I should try those two as well, and they were right.

Battlestar Galactica ended, and I miss it.

The last two movies I saw in a theater were most excellent - the new "Star Trek" and Pixar's "Up". Go see them if you can.

We just saw Gran Torino on DVD, and I cannot recommend that enough either. Some of Clint's finest work.

OK, that's it for now, hope to see you here soon!

It's Sonwing Out

2009-02-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's a deliberate misspelling. There is snow falling, and whenever that happens I think back to someone I used to briefly work with years ago.

She wasn't the brightest bulb in the pack, and she was terrified of having to be out in the snow. So, I show up at work one morning, expecting to find her there finishing her late night shift.

But she is gone - thank goodness I had a key to get in, this was a very very small company.

She did at least leave a note. It read as follows, and all misspellings are exactly as she wrote them:
"It's sonwing outside. My boyfiend is coming to pick me up."

I get the giggles over that to this very day.

And it is snowing out today, in late February. That's not unheard of, but fairly rare by this time of the year. Surprisingly, my kids still had school. Usually our district cancels school if there are more than three flakes on the ground.

Well, that's it for today.

Unforgiven

2009-02-25T16:28:00.000-08:00

Just a short rant today. I am on Facebook, in fact have become quite addicted to it. Search me out by my name, and you will find me - add me as a friend if you haven't already!

I have a WIDE variety of different types of friends on there. I have friends from: church, people I went to high school with, people I went to college with, people I used to work with, friends from the internet, and family.

I am also a Christian, and most Christians I personally know are cool people. But sometimes people of my faith can really annoy me. Usually the ones who feel we as followers of Christ must be very prim and proper and follow 4728942 different rules.

So where am I going with this?

I posted a funny video on Facebook, about the origin of the word "fuck". OK, so it's not for kids. But kids aren't supposed to be on Facebook.

This person, whom I shall not name, I will call "P" for brevity's sake. P did not like this video, in fact it incensed her. Here's the thing - she had the choice to play it or not. It was clearly labeled as to what it was about. Apparently she played it, despite it's rather obvious title.

So, she didn't like it one little bit. She removed me from her friend list. I actually noticed this, so I sent her a private message asking what was wrong. She replied that she was very offended by my video clip.

At this point, I am a little surprised. I sent her a nice note APOLOGIZING and promising not to do it again.

But she has chosen the path of non-forgiveness. I admit this bothers me a bit, given that we as Christians are supposed to be very forgiving.

So I guess all that is left is to forgive HER for this. She is still friends with the wonderful and amazing Mrs. Hoerler, and I respect that. I will not make waves in that regard.

I guess it just bums me out. I like P, and did not mean to upset her. I am even more bummed out she ignored my apology.

OK, I'm over it. :-)

Has It Really Been Almost A Month?

2009-02-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

This is just so weird. I haven't been a "gentleman of leisure" for this long, ever. Well, not since I was a kid.

One of the things I always looked at with pride was the fact that I always held down a job. I have never been laid off, until now.

I have been outright fired three times in my life. The first was a dishwashing job in high school, and frankly I loathed it anyway, I was actually happy to be canned. This was back in the "part-time" days anyway, while I was in school.

The other two were both sales positions with companies that refused to believe relationship selling was going to do the job - I was hired and was expected to start pulling in big sales immediately, as opposed to developing things with good relationships and excellent service.

Never mind that that type of selling had been successful for me in other places.

But even when I have been fired, I always found another job right away. Just because one employer did not see my value did not mean others could not.

My last employer was K/P. When I was hired there in August 2001, it was to sell. K/P seemed like the type of company that did value relational selling. I also wanted a place to settle down, my resume needed a place on it that showed I could stay with a place longer than a year or two.

Then 9/11 hit, and sales dropped off badly. Shortly after that point I was asked by K/P to step into a Direct Mail Program Manager position. It was a step backward, career-wise, but it seemed prudent to take whatever I could get, considering I was struggling to drag business in the door at that moment.

So, I took the job, figuring stability was a good thing at that point. It was a safe, albeit frustrating decision.

Flash forward seven years - YEARS - later. I took that safe route, and got to stick around for a while. But in the end, it all vanished in one quick morning.

I feel so stuck right now. How many types of jobs can there possibly be for someone in Direct Mail Program Management? Right now the answer seems to be somewhere between "none" and "zero".

I am looking at reinventing myself somehow, while still trying to take care of a family. I have no skills other than knowing a few postal regulations, and how to take care of a demanding client. But nobody seems to be hiring that right now.

I guess I can give in to the dark side and just go be a greeter at Wal-Mart.

I am now a statistic

2009-01-29T12:19:00.001-08:00

I got laid off today. Got nothing else to say at the moment.

Fail

2009-01-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

n/a

I'm trying to write more again here, so I give you...

2009-01-15T13:13:00.001-08:00

....a compilation of the best and worst movies I saw in 2008.

The best - in no particular order:

Wall-E. OK, this was the best. I went into expecting the usual Pixar magic, they haven't done a bad movie yet, but this movie was outstanding. I laughed, and I cried like a little girl.

The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger was truly amazing as The Joker, turning him from a caricature into a truly scary yet interesting villian. Gary Oldman is excellent as the Commissioner Gordon, and Christian Bale does nicely in the lead role.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Truly old fashioned movie making magic here. This is not a movie for everyone, if you are bored easily skip this movie. But if you are willing to immerse yourself in the story and let it lead you at it's own pace, it is truly amazing. My only quibble, and it's minor, was that the story is heavily front-loaded. The last act feels a bit rushed, but the movie is already almost three hours long, and it would have to be closer to four hours to do the ending justice.

I Am David. OK, this wasn't a 2008 release, but we saw it in 2008. I don't want to give too much away, but I will say it's about a boy attempting to escape from an Eastern European labor camp. Excellent work.

Some movies to avoid:

Bait Shop. I love Bill Engvall, but the fact that this one went straight to DVD should have been a warning. A few small laughs at best.

The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor. I really liked the first two, but the third time was not a charm in this case. Terrible dialogue, silly behavior, and a distince lack of Rachel Weisz doomed this one.

Resurrecting The Champ. Josh Hartnett cannot act, and Samuel L. Jackson is wasted in a bizarre role.

Miss Conception. I remember next to nothing about this movie, other than I hated it.

Meet The Spartans. One laugh in 70 minutes for me. Not good, not good at all. The only positive thing is it is very short.

Anyway, that's all. Hey, at least I wrote something.

The Rollercoaster

2009-01-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin?

Steve Martin's character imagines himself on a rollercoaster several times during the movie, always during a turbulent spot in his life. The rollercoaster is symbolic of how life can be - how it always has ups and downs.

It's not real subtle, but for Hollywood it works.

And Martin's character doesn't care for the ups and downs. Boy can I relate. OK, I like the ups just fine, but there are always downs too.

Things have been up lately. If you have been a regular reader here, you know there was some serious down action last fall, then things started back up around Thanksgiving. Other than the stress of driving in the snow Christmas was pretty enjoyable.

Let's sum it up.

2008-12-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

I sit here in the waning hours of 2008, a cold drink beside me, trying to think of something to say here.

After the infamous "Meltdown Of November" wherein I scared the crap out of people by being not being clear enough about the fact that I would never EVER act on a lot of the stuff I used to spew here, I lost the stomach for putting much of anything here at all.

I know my daughter wishes I would write more, like I used to to do. I don't know. We'll see.

So, I can at least write something today by doing one of those lame-ass "hey, let's sum up the Year That Was" type of entries.

My marriage - it endured a downturn, and began the inevitable climb back. Life is a series of ups and downs. It's hard to remember the ups when you are in the downs.

My kids - they grew like dandelions on steroids. My daughter started Junior High. My sons continue to become video game experts. I love them to pieces.

My job - the economy got worse and worse, and people got laid off. I would not be shocked if it happened again, and nobody is irreplaceable, even me. But for now I endure on.

My attempt at losing weight - basically, the wheels came off this effort. Oh well. I fully intend to start again in the next few days.

Some of the highlights - a trip to LaConner with my beautiful bride for our 15th anniversary was the highlight. We shopped, ate, and partied like.....married people who have ditched the kids for the weekend.

Another highlight was the trip to Arizona with my mom and my daughter. I loved Loved LOVED it, and Sedona especially has captured a place in my heart that will live there for the rest of my life. I dream of retiring there some day.

We also enjoyed a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge, a huge indoor water park. While I wouldn't want to go there all the time, in small two to three day doses it can be very fun.

I had two separate clamming trips, one with each boy. The first was notable for the fact that Corwin and I almost froze our privates off, and we didn't get many clams, but we had a good laugh at how miserable the weather was. The second was with Joshua, and was notable for the excellent clamming and the fact that I fell down in the shower - an event that I wrote about in this very blog several months back.

Low lights? I don't feel like reflecting on them. Madness lies there.

So I leave you with a toast - I lift my drink to you all and wish you an excellent 2009. It's a horrid picture of me, but I want to use it anyway - it's ME, imperfections and all, much like this blog.

By Request

2008-12-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

One of my readers has been lamenting the fact that I have stopped writing in this thing as much as I used to. I honestly just have not felt like it's a smart idea airing my thoughts and mental debris anymore, so that's part of the reason. That and I promised my wife I would not discuss our relationship period.

So, between those two things I have little to say anymore.

But my daughter Vivian asked me to write about something, anything. I told her my reasons for not writing, and she said that I should write about her.

So, here goes.

I admire Vivian because she is not easily swayed by peer pressure. I admire Vivian's sense of humor. I admire the artistic skills Vivian displays - including but not limited to photography and music. I admire her brains, and her beauty, both inside and out.

Here is what I wish for Vivian, so maybe she can avoid some of the mistakes I made and other common mistakes of the turbulent teens:

1) Keep that strong sense of independence, but don't be afraid to let those closest to you in. Don't be a leaf on the wind, blown about by everyone else, but don't harden your heart, mind, and opinions to those who are closest to you and truly love you.

2) Your siblings have the potential to be a great source of joy and strength, especially as you get older. I know it's hard to believe or even realize this now when they are pissing you the frak off, but it's true.

3) I remember how important it seemed at your age to rush forward and experience all that life has to offer. However, barring calamity, someday you will be old and jaded like me and remember fondly the days of innocence. Trust me, there is no rush on a lot of this "adult" stuff.

4) This may seem like a contradiction, but it is possible. Learn to like yourself for who you are, but also do not grow arrogant or come to believe that yours is the only right way. Understand humility, embrace your flaws,, and always remember that those times when you are most certain you are right, you probably aren't.

5) Be happy with where you are in life as well. If you become one of those people who cannot be happy unless certain things happen, you are almost guaranteed to be disappointed. Waiting for some great thing to happen and being miserable until it does only guarantees you will probably stay miserable. People who think they need things to happen or events to occur before they can be happy actually never become happy even if those things or events do happen. They just set their sights on some other thing or event, and remain unhappy. It never changes until they can find happiness EXACTLY where they are at that moment.

6) Number five does not in any way mean giving up on your goals or dreams. It only means don't put your happiness on hold until you hopefully achieve them.

7) Don't be afraid of "I'm sorry". It helps, heals, and soothes so many things in life. Anger, defensiveness, excuses, and rebellion have their moments where they feel good, but the long term karma from them is not worth it. While saying "I'm sorry" and then closing my mouth has been horribly difficult for me personally, it has also been far more rewarding in the long run.

8) The biggest destructive influence in my life has been anger. I have done most of the stupid things I've ever done in anger. I've caused most of the relationship damage in anger. I've harmed myself, and I've harmed others. Even you have seen the negative side of my anger. That is NOT to say anger does not have it's place. It does, and when expressed properly it can be a great tool for change, but all too often the human instinct is to lash out, and this is almost always hurtful not helpful.

Well, that's it for now. And remember, I am *NO* expert on anything. I've just been kicked in the balls by life enough to have picked up a few basic truths. I have trouble walking these out myself sometimes.

But life, and progress, are measured by degrees. We try to move forward, not in search of a finish line - at least not one while we are still alive, but in the effort to just be better and happier.

We need to work at our own destinies, for I believe God wants us to learn to walk on our own two feet. Why else would he have given us a brain?

Happy Birthday Joshua

2008-12-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

My youngest son turned eight yesterday. We got him a Wii game and a Nintendo DS game, and have a game figurine on the way as his last gift.

Then we all went to our favorite local restaurant, Casa Mia. The boys shared a large cheese pizza, and the rest of us enjoyed various pasta and other dishes.

Here he is doing a "rock album cover" pose. He's normally pretty happy-go-lucky, the expression probably reflects the fact that he cannot figure out why dad is making him do this weird pose.

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

Random

2008-12-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

A week has passed since my last entry. Rest assured this is not because of anything bad, I just have had little to say.

We've been battling a mild stomach bug at Casa Hoerler, but hopefully everyone is on the mend now.

What would you do if someone embarrassed the shit out of you, and you know the reason for your embarrassment is sort of lame, but you just can't help it - you feel embarrassed anyway. And when it happened, it filled you with sputtering rage, so much so that you had to leave the room to avoid a shouting match?

I'm not sure if I should bother saying anything to the other person involved. They thought they were being funny, and probably have no idea they hurt my feelings. But I know this person well enough to believe if I speak up they will either become defensive or blow me off, and any apology might just be an attempt to get me to drop the subject rather than one that was really heartfelt.

Someone else pointed out I was pre-judging what was likely to happen, and I shouldn't do that. And they are probably correct, but it's tough to get past anyway. There are not many people who can truly get under my skin and hurt me like that, and I just don't have the willingness to hurt even more over it.

What's worse is I am embarrassed at being......embarrassed. The rational part of me knows this shouldn't have made me angry, but I just cannot help the way I feel.

Anyway, I have been taking a little break from any interaction with this person other than what is absolutely needed. And that in itself is confusing me. I don't normally hold grudges very long, but I have been toting this one around a bit now. I am usually pretty forgiving, and I *WILL* forgive this, but for some reason it is taking it's sweet time in coming in this instance.

Anyway, you'll notice I have left out any names, and that is on purpose. Rest assured this issue is not with the radiant and ever-lovely Mrs. Hoerler.

I am Thankful

2008-11-27T11:31:00.001-08:00

I am thankful I have family that cares enough to at least check in if they think things are not well. I have an awesome person who stepped up and did that, and I really appreciate her.

I am thankful for all of my family.

I am thankful that I have a job.

I am thankful I have a running car.

I am thankful I lived in a country, while not perfect, is still the best.

I am thankful for me.

My readers, I have opened up a lot here, and for the most part it has been good. But I have forgotten who my readers are, and at some point I need to be still brutally honest, but a bit less.....dramatic. :-)

I love all of you. I am really doing amazingly well, considering the fact that things have been a little stressful.

I think I owe an apology to my wife. I'm very sorry. I forget how many people read this thing, some things are just between us. I don't need to work out my personal shit here. I love you. We'll work it out. I am learning patience and perseverence. :-)

To my mom, I didn't mean to make you worried. I sincerely apologize.

I also promise I will continue to be honest here, just maybe not so ....... (dunh dunh DUNH!) dramatic...

To the couple of folks I let read my other board, I had to close it again. I'm going to leave it, and maybe even vent in it, but I need to keep that one private. I am sorry, it was nothing against YOU. Please accept my apologies.

That is all for now, Happy Thanksgiving. Now go hug your loved ones.

Rolling Home To You

2008-11-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

Old man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you
Old man, take a look at my life
Twenty-four and I'm so much more
Live alone in a paradise, makes me think of two
Love lost at such a cost
Give me things that don't get lost
Like a coin that won't get tossed, rolling home to you

Old man, take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me the whole day through
Oh, one look in my eyes and you can tell that's true

Lullabies, look in your eyes
Run around the same old town
Doesn't mean that much to me, mean that much to you
I've been first and last
Look at how the time goes past
But I'm all alone at last, rolling home to you

Old man, take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you
I need someone to love me the whole day through
Oh, one look in my eyes and you can tell that's true
Old man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you

Word, yo.

Haven't Been Writing Here Much Lately, Sorry

2008-11-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

Booyah!

I Didn't Believe, Until Last Night

2008-11-18T07:56:00.001-08:00

Spam egg sausage and spam.

Despite the Massive Improvements

2008-11-17T11:16:00.001-08:00

Nargles?

I deleted today's earlier post

2008-11-13T13:12:00.001-08:00

I was going to post a story I had written, but I was reminded my kids read this.

It was probably a PG-13 story. So I deleted it.

It was the right call to make. But I have nothing else I am willing to talk about, the STFU principle is kicking in here, so adios for today.

Thank You, Veterans

2008-11-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to write today, so I will just say "thank you" to all the veterans out there, and instead of my blah-blah-blah you can read the story I've linked to below.

BUT BEWARE - it's not an easy read. It's a true story of a WW2 veteran.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/11/11/acevedo.pow/index.html

Apparently I haven't been crapping my pants often enough.

2008-11-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

But my company is taking care of that for me! Yay!

I have a fire alarm right above my cubicle, and they have been repeatedly testing it today. That fugger is LOUD! Like loud enough that I need to change my pants every time it goes off.

Ok, not literally, but it scares me each and every time. I hope they have a crash cart handy, because it's going to give me a heart attack one of these times.

Now for some randomness.

I have two different people I feel I need to sit down and have a long conversation with, and I am not looking forward to either one. This is sort of tied to yesterday's entry.

I entered a contest today to win $1000 from a local radio station. Now I just have to remember to listen at the right times. I realize it's a slim chance, but we might actually be able to afford to buy a few presents this Christmas if I win it.

Or pay bills. Whatevs.

I'm so dang tired today, and I feel sort of poopy. I don't know if the feeling is because of being tired, or I'm getting sick, or both. Also, maybe it's partly adrenaline hangover from the fire alarm. Maybe I'll try to bug out of work early and go home and take a nap. Plus I can hang out with the most excellent Mrs. Hoerler.

Have a good weekend all y'all.

It'll Get Worse Before It Gets Better, Won't It?

2008-11-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

Ah, the dreaded tween and teen years. We have one entering them at our house and one on the cusp.

First off, let me say we have been blessed by our kids. By anyone's standards they are pretty good kids. I love them terribly. Usually they are wonderful, but nobody is perfect and issues have cropped up.

The turbulent years are on us, and they are already taking their toll. The two issues we are facing are rudeness and truthfulness.

I am not going to name any names, or get into too much specifics, but these both stress me the HELL out, and I know the radiant and wonderful Mrs. Hoerler feels the same way.

First the rudeness. Where in the HELL does that come from? My wife and I, even in our worst arguments, never said stuff like that to each other. Nor have we said it to our kids or to others. So where does it come from?

My step-dad literally punched me in the face once for saying stuff like what is said in our house. I'm not endorsing (or using) his method, but it did at least stop me from running my mouth so much.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm really not.

And as to the lying, that one scares the crap out of me too. We don't lie to our kids. We may withhold information if we feel they don't need to know it, but when posed a question we will try to give the most honest answer we can while remaining age-appropriate. I'm a little concerned that a friend of one of the kids may be encouraging this sort of thing.

How do you get it through the kid's head that destroyed trust is SO HARD to rebuild?

Ugh. These coming teen years may be the death of me.

Reactions, And What Will It All Mean?

2008-11-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

First off, I think I personally am cautiously optimistic this morning. I think that despite poll numbers I didn't really think Obama had a chance. I figured that some voting shenanigans would take place somewhere.

I like the word shenanigans. I would like to do some shenanigans.

I actually thought McCain seemed like a decent guy, and as I said yesterday I think there actually wasn't much difference between him and Obama. They are both men who have chosen politics as a career, and despite these arbitrary party lines, I think politics draws similar people in many cases.

The deciding factor for me was a) that McCain is 72 AND has a history of melanoma, and then b) the person he picked to replace him if anything did happen to him scared the living bejeebers out of me. People think Obama is inexperienced.....

That does not mean I believe a woman wouldn't make a good president. In fact, I am quite sure there are plenty of women who would make GREAT presidents. I just seriously do not believe Palin is one of them - nor Mrs. Clinton for that matter.

Now that we have broken the color barrier in the race for our leader, perhaps the gender barrier will not be far behind.

As some of you know, I drift in and out of two or three online communities. The two main ones are at MyCatHatesYou.com (MCHY) and RansomedHeart.com (RH). These two places are polar opposites politically. MCHY is heavily liberal, it's comprised of mostly female pet owners, so the leaning there is no surprise. RH is a Christian site, so obviously it is heavily conservative.

At MCHY the mood is understandably jubilant. There are some reasoned comments, and some random gloating. A couple of quotes from members there are "History has just been made for the good" and "Wow. It's a brave new world we live in today. I hope that our president elect can stand up to the high hopes and expectations we have of him."

At RH the mood varies from grudging admiration and support to outright "we are SCREWED" posts. A sample of quotes is "I will support President Obama" even though "I didn't vote for him, but I'm sick of partisan junk, sick of hearing about the evangelical vote, and sick of a divided country", "Can someone point me to the nearest government tit so I can start suckling?", and finally "Our dumbass populace just put a Marxist in the Whitehouse because he promised to redistribute the wealth."

We are still very much a country divided, perhaps we always will be. Even 9/11 couldn't unite us for very long - we were all one big nation together for a little while, but the petty squabbling and political bickering resurfaced soon after.

These two boards show our divide pretty clearly. I know there will always be differences and disagreements. Sometimes dissent is a good thing, all sides should be at least considered. But at some point the best thing is to move forward with some sort of consensus.

I just hope we can move forward like that.

It's My Duty

2008-11-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should write a rah-rah bit to say "get out and vote!"

But I am not feeling like backing that up much. I saw an interesting graphic this morning. It is one of those "political leaning" graphs, where you plug in the positions of the person you want to analyze, and it shows where on the political spectrum they fall. Basically, Obama and McCain are pretty much the same guy in the end, as illustrated

The supports my suspicion that almost all politicians are just the same damn BS, only wrapped in the thin veneer of one party or the other.

We play along, villifying the evil liberals or rotten conservatives, happy accepting the shell game. We huff and puff indignantly, insisting the pile of BS in the faux wrapping we support is the only real patriotic or even Godly choice.

This is NOT an endorsement for Obama either, although I voted for him in the end. He's just the same BS in a Democrat wrapper.

The real party of power is the Money Party.

My grandfather was the smartest man I've ever known. He once stated that any man smart enough to be a good president was smart enough to not want the job.

Still, I voted, and you should too. But I fully understand how futile the task seems sometimes.

Some Halloween Costume Ideas

2008-10-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna go for the Goth look this year. Like this guy, and bonus points for being a wigger and throwing down some gangsta signs!

I only hope this WAS a Halloween costume. If this guy seriously thought he was being badass, Lord help us all.

I think this chick had an accident with a stapler, and then figured she might as well accentuate it. She looks far too pissed-off to be joking.

Next, Insane Clown Posse boy is bad enough, but what the F*** does he have on that leash? This hearkens back to the first picture - please tell me these kids are joking. If they are not, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT let them breed.

Finally, words fail me. So I shall sign off this special Halloween edition issue of I Should Have Taken The Blue Pill with this last image.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Saying It Versus Remembering To Do It

2008-10-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

No relationship is perfect, they all have their up and down moments. During a down moment once, I decided I was not going to let it get to me anymore. Calm and even keel was the way to be.

But as I've said before, sometimes it takes repeated lessons for me to learn things, especially when it comes to situations where emotions can be attached. I am only human, after all.

But I feel I have been reminded again that I a) cannot prevent life's little storms, especially when they are not of my making, and b) that I only make it worse when I get all worked up about these storms.

I will just persevere and keep trying to remember that when I keep a level head when this stuff is going on, that it makes things much easier on me, those that know me, and the situation itself seems to resolve faster.

I wish I learned stuff like this faster, but I am not going to beat myself up over it either. All of my greatest lessons have come from painful teaching.

Thank you to all of you who stuck with me, I hope I didn't drive too many of my readers off.

What To Do....

2008-10-29T09:50:00.001-07:00

Happy Fun Time! YaY!

2008-10-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm only posting sweetness and light from now on! No more gloom and doom! I'm going to take my own advice and STFU! YAY! YAY!

Kittens make people happy! So do puppies! Yay!

I got nothing else.

Yay!

This Week Has Been Another Learning Experience

2008-10-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Some of the lessons of this week are ones I had been taught already, but with matters of the heart I need repeat teachings sometimes.

The first, and biggest, is the STFU Principle. When locked in a toxic situation that is not your fault and is frustrating the hell out of you, STFU! See, like I said, this situation is not a result of anything I did. It's not my fault. But I get frustrated, and try to communicate meaningfully. Instead of communicating I just wind up making the situation even worse.

I've even posted about STFU here before. Fear not my lovelies, the lesson is slowly being hammered through my thick skull. Michael! STFU! Trying to talk this out is NOT helping. Give up already!

I think I might actually remember it this time.

Another thing I learned is that people will listen sympathetically to your problems - TO A POINT. But after a while they don't want to read or hear it anymore. They become frustrated with you, and try to fix things with a tone that almost sounds like a lecture from your dad.

It's human nature, I've done it too. I suspect the STFU Principle comes into play here as well. Unfortunately, this may lead to a remarkable downturn in content here on this very blog, but I sense some of my readers have reached the point where they just roll their eyes when they read my latest bitch-fest.

If my life was a musical, I think the track right now would be "A Day In The Life" by The Beatles. I feel like all this emotional/financial/relationship shitstorm has built to this amazing crescendo - like in the song. All these disparate threads grow louder and louder and then interweave into a rising cacophony of noise.

Here's the song if anyone needs an aural illustration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiFYOn1AFms

Twice the song builds to this powerful wall of noise, only then to radically shift gears into something else.

My life, my mind, is the wall of noise, and I so desperately want the radical shift of gears - in ALL phases of my life right now.

The final lesson is that I am the only person who is going to take care of myself. I've learned this one before too, and posted about it, but again it's a case of sometimes it takes repeated lessons. I grew complacent and soft, and that was a huge mistake on my part.

Life is hard, my lovelies, harder than f'ing hell sometimes. I have to take care of myself, leave time for the things I want to do. Pursuing unrealistic expectations has left me feeling angry and empty.

What do I enjoy? Writing. Why have I done so little of it? I don't really know, other than I maybe hope that time spent elsewhere might bear fruit - which of course it hasn't.

I enjoy taking walks with Corwin and/or Vivian. I enjoy playing games with Joshua. I enjoy a nice bonfire in our back yard. I enjoy a good book or a good movie.

Simple things. I can almost sense the end of the crescendo now. I am ready for the song to change.

Another one of THOSE days

2008-10-23T08:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes Two Wrongs DO Make A Right?

2008-10-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

A New Direction. Maybe. Or Not.

2008-10-20T08:39:00.001-07:00

I have been pondering the wisdom of revealing so much of what goes on in my mind here on this blog. This started as a place for me to vent and work things out, but I honestly never expected anyone would be even mildly interested in EVER reading anything I put here. But there are people that actually read this stuff - this amazes me.

People I should probably just talk to have instead had to read things about how I feel here. Now granted, it's not that we don't talk, but sometimes talking just seems pointless and like it's not worth the trouble anymore.

Some of my recent entries have reflected my troubled state of my mind lately. I had an email this morning inquiring as to whether I was okay. I love this person for asking, she is an awesome person (you know who you are...).

I don't mean to trouble folks, and I don't mean to lay things out here that should be kept in confidence. Am I doing the wrong thing revealing what I do?

So, I wonder at what to do here. I did a political post Friday, but politics don't hold my interest for long - they are too dirty and contentious. Humor is nice once in a while, but there are at last count 1,000,000,000,000,000 sites on the internet dedicated to humor, I don't think I need to add to that other than the occasional gem or foray into silliness.

Without my mind ramblings, I fear I will struggle for content - some days I struggle anyway, but this would be even worse.

If any of my readers has any ideas or suggestions, leave a comment. Do I just keep going like I have been? Or does this place need a new, less personal, direction?

I Sense A Growing Desperation Among Some

2008-10-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

Some of the McCain supporters that is. Some of them are lovely, reasonable people - take my lovely wife for instance. And some of them are boarding the next rocket ship for Planet Batshitcrazy. I can send a YouTube link to anyone who doesn't believe me there.

Who will make a better President between Obama and McCain? I certainly will not pretend to have any answers. I know which way I am leaning.

Look, I want to be fair - both sides have their whackaroons and wingnuts, but one really caught my eye today, especially in a society that is supposed to be beyond crap like this.

http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-foodstamps17-2008oct17,0,2506591.story

Basically, a Republican Women's Club president in California sent out a newsletter with the following illustration in it:

Watermelon, fried chicken, and barbecued ribs. And then she has the gall to try to pass this off as not being racist at all, because "Everyone eats those foods, it's not a racial thing." She goes on to claim that she didn't realize it was racist because she's NOT a racist herself.

Yeah, it was just blind bad luck that you selected KFC, ribs, and watermelon in your design. Sure. Uh-huh.

I have to give kudos though, other members of the Grand Old Party in California have reacted from mild reprimand "a failed attempt at humor" to fierce "unacceptable".

I would love to see more unity in this country, and to be fair most people on both sides are "just folks." But I sense there is a faction that would love to continue to pull the sides farther apart.

I see people falling for it too. I see it on an ultra-liberal discussion board, where McCain is the Devil Incarnate and Palin is so stupid they are amazed she has the brain power to figure out how to draw breath. I see it on a Christian site I normally love, where people figure Obama is actually the Anti-Christ as prophesied in Revelation. I see misogynists upset because they figure Palin has to be the President sooner rather than later, because after all McCain is so OLD and has had skin tumors and all that. I see racists like the ones above who cannot believe we'd elect a black, or half-black, man.

I am just more and more disgusted with the state of politics in general. I know mud slinging and name calling in US politics has gone on since our earliest elections, but nowadays we can broadcast the hate everywhere.

Erosion Pt 2 And A Quick Word On Patience

2008-10-16T09:08:00.001-07:00

The Grand Canyon is an amazing thing. Oh, I've never seen it in person, but I intend to, hopefully sooner rather than later. But just seeing pictures of it, while not doing it full justice, still make it look awe inspiring.

But it's the process of wearing down that made it. Millions and millions of years of slow erosion. Something as mild and seemingly harmless as water has carved the Grand Canyon.

Fortitude and rock solid strength can only take even best of us so far. Eventually, we wear down and we are transformed.

This can be for good, or for ill.

And don't ever be as silly as I was and ask God for patience. God does not just download patience into you, like Neo had knowledge and skills downloaded into him in The Matrix. God instead gives you opportunities to practice patience.

The problem is, they f***ING SUCK - the water wearing away the stone of whatever it is that is washing away gets annoying as hell after awhile.

I don't want to learn patience anymore, not today anyway. I want to rant and throw things and revert to my inner four year old. That's never good at work, but the tears brim in my eyes as I type this. I feel like some situations are eroding in reverse, or the erosion is washing away any good that was there. I don't want to be patient anymore. Just hang in there! You can do it! God will help you. Screw the platitudes, I'm tired. The thing I so desperately desire is not forthcoming, and God has no answers. I want to wash my hands of the situation some days, just walk away and never look back.

But I have to be the good soldier, because that's what's expected of me. Tough it out soldier. You have to SERVE!

Enough Serious Posts For One Day

2008-10-14T12:43:00.001-07:00

I am tired, and don't feel like typing much out.

So, let's get silly!

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT ALL UP!

IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET! YES IT DOES, PRECIOUS! OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!

Yes, I am feeling VERY weird today.

Isms

2008-10-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am finding I am very tired of some things - racism, sexism, liberalism, conserativism, and on and on and on. We saw an interesting movie last night called 100 Girls, and it is really sticking with me.

It's by no means a great movie. It tries on one hand to be a raunchy teen comedy, and then it tries to have a serious message. But it's still good. Sometimes the raunchy part just made me roll my eyes, but the writers actually got some things right with the message about relations between men and women, and the conflicts.

Men and women definitely do not understand each other in many cases - note, I am not saying all, just many. We sit around and bash each other. Men try to take control in their own ways, and women do the same in theirs.

I guess most divides are like that - racial, political, religious, whatever. "Why can't we all just get along" is pretty much a joke, it'll never happen unless all sides can drop the anger and try to get to know and understand each other.

And then we'll all join hands and sing "Kumbaya". Right.

I'm far too cynical this morning to believe it will ever happen.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of how politics can divide our nation like nothing else. We have pathetic liberals and callous conservatives. We have asshole men and bitch women. We have those nasty whites, those damn blacks, those freaking Latinos, those cruddy Asians. We have those nasty gays. We have those Catholics, those Muslims, those Jews, those Christians, those Pagans. They all are the root of our problems, and none of them are the root of our problems.

Ah well, these are just the tired ramblings of me on a Monday.

Erosion

2008-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

I grew up spending many vacations in a tiny little spot on the map called North Cove. Actually, it's not even on many maps. North Cove has a small general store and some houses. My great-grandmother owned a large lot of her own with a good sized trailer parked on it.

Near North Cove is an area called Washaway Beach. Many years ago, it was a spit of land that extended 2 miles or more out into Willapa Bay. There were houses, hotels, a school, a post office, and restaurants on it. There was a cemetery, and part of state highway 105 passed through it. It was considered part of North Cove.

But then back in the late 1800's the US Army Corps of Engineers dredged a shipping channel just offshore, and the resulting new rip-current began eroding the land, often at a rate of 100 feet a year. It was worst in the winter, when storms would make the tides even more fierce.

Now it's all gone, save for the general store and some homes. State route 105 had to be re-routed. The coffins in the graveyard all had to be dug up and moved.

I remember walking on the beach over various summers as a kid. The hotel's destruction was the most impressive. One year, just part of the structure had gone, then the next year all of it had gone, but the strong concrete foundation remained, then finally even that gave way to the power of the ocean.

I hope to never be like the ocean, and erode things that mean a lot to me. This ties in with yesterday - our words can be a powerful tide that can wipe out things that seemed to be strong. Given enough time, they can even erode a solid foundation.

Eventually, the Corps of Engineers built a jetty that has at least slowed the erosion, but it was too late for a lot of the structures in North Cove, even those with solid foundations.

I'm trying like hell to get my jetty built in time.

On The Benefits Of Keeping My Mouth Shut

2008-10-09T13:16:00.001-07:00

I am discovering more and more as I get older that there is a real benefit to not speaking. As Mark Twain once said “It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”

Take when discussions start escalating into an argument. I cannot tell you how many times I have regretted the hideous amount and content of stuff that has passed my lips while flapping my gums in some vain attempt to convince someone I was right about something.

And often times even far back in the past there was a small voice in my head saying "Dude, just SHUT IT already."

Well, it's only taken 42.75 years, but I am slowly learning to listen to that voice.

I'm sorry, voice, that I didn't pay attention a lot sooner. I've seen the "shut it" plan work very well, but admittedly some times I still forget to use it.

When a discussion has escalated to an argument, how many times are you likely to convince the other party you are right anyway? "None" is the answer to that. By the time voices begin getting louder and feelings running higher, cognitive reasoning is rapidly beating a hasty retreat.

It just doesn't work. I know that all too well. Boy, do I ever. The only thing I have really ever learned from arguments is that I hate them, and they make me feel lousy afterwards.

So here's to the "shut it" plan. Or the STFU plan. Call it what you will, it works. It doesn't mean you are giving in or conceding, just that you are going to put a sock in it until everyone is calmed down again and our old pal reason has returned.

That leads to better relationships.

F*** The PTA

2008-10-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

I had a really weird experience last night. I volunteered a few weeks back to help out with some school group about dads being involved in the school community to be positive role models. Last night was the kickoff meeting.

Now, I was in no position to be a role model to anyone last night as I was in a bad mood to start with, but I think this was just supposed to be a planning meeting. I say "think" because I bailed about 15 minutes after showing up.

They were asking for people to show up early if they could and help set up. So, I showed up early, but not early enough to do much. There were three guys there, who were obviously all pals, and they had done just about everything already. A woman who is the head of the PTA was there as well. I asked if there was still anything to do, and was breezily told they had done it all already, except I could put up the last three or so chairs they hadn't done yet.

Other than that I had almost no interaction with any of these guys. As I said, they obviously knew each other, and were busy chatting it up.

So, some of their kids were shooting baskets - since this meeting was being held in the school gymnasium. There were extra balls laying around, so I picked one up and joined them. After a few minutes of this the PTA lady suddenly pipes up "All right, put the balls away!" And then looking more at me "We don't need the adults encouraging them to do stuff like that."

Chagrined, I helped put the balls away, and then sat down. Meanwhile, the three buddies continue to stand in a knot and yuck it up.

Okay, I know none of them will ever read this, but I wish I could give them the following advice:

You guys are trying to put together a VOLUNTEER staff. The idea is a good one, but you still need to respect the fact that you are trying to talk me into a) giving up time for meetings in the evenings, and b) taking one of my vacation days from work to spend it somehow "mentoring" at the school. That's fine, and I was willing to do it initially.

But let me stress the word VOLUNTEER again. You are counting on people giving up their time and effort. BE NICE TO THEM.

I did not get ONE introduction from any of you. I got a quick "hi" from one of you, that was it. I was then ignored. And since you are PTA sponsored, having the PTA lady treat me like one of her kids is a real turn-off. We were not hurting anything, we were shooting baskets. You certainly weren't providing me with anything else to do, after asking me to show up early to help. I told you on the phone I would indeed be there early, so why then do you just decide to play the martyr and do it all, then treat me like a nobody?

Sure, I could have got all up in your grill and forced you to introduce yourselves, but I was already having a shitty day, and more importantly I am the VOLUNTEER. You are trying to sell me on why I should help you with this project. Instead you acted like clique-ish assholes and ignored me.

My son didn't want to leave - he was fired up about the free pizza. Maybe that was it - you figured a few slices of cold pizza would make up for your social ineptitude. And I know it was going to be cold by the time you served it, because we walked in at 5:15, and the meeting wasn't supposed to start until 6:00, and the pizza was already sitting there when we walked in. Mmmmmm, congealed cold grease. Yeah, that makes up for treating people like they don't really matter.

But I talked my son into leaving. Pizza was on the menu at home as well, and even then I still had to bribe him with some quarters. He was really fired up about that cold pizza. The back door to the gym was open, and we just stood up and walked out. And it felt F***ING marvelous.

I hope your group succeeds anyway, despite all this, because the idea is sound. Dads being involved is never a bad thing. I hope you succeed despite your dorky group name (D.O.G.S. - Dads Of Great Kids) and the even worse t-shirts you were selling for $20 a pop with the seriously demented looking big grinning dog. Even if I had stayed and joined I wasn't buying one of THOSE, thankyouverymuch.

I'm going to try to continue to be involved on my own terms, both in my kids lives and the lives of those they befriend. I suspect that's good in it's own right.

I don't need guys like you to make me do that.

Sigh....Who Knows

2008-10-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

I felt like I was 12 again today.

I was in a Starbucks, buying an egg-salad sandwich, when I noticed they had one blueberry scone left. I told the cashier "I'll take the last blueberry scone as well."

Some guy in line behind me pipes up to the cashier "I'll take the last roll with butter!" The cashier looked confused, and the guy added "Hahahahahaha, you know, just making a joke." The cashier smiled and finished our transaction.

Now, I'm willing as I get older to give a lot more benefit of the doubt, but I still felt very uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe it was the tone - to my ears it sounded mocking. But my ears may not be objective.

Maybe he was really just trying to make a lame joke, and it fell flat.

Or maybe he was feeling mean, and made his "joke" as a put-down. It seemed as if he and the cashier knew each other - they started talking after I walked away.

The thing is, why does someone need to comment about another person's order like that? Maybe he just was mad because I got the last scone?

It was just weird, and now it is stuck in my mind, to the point I cannot for the life of me focus on work. I know I need to let it go, but it's sticking so far.

I have been under this strange pall of a weird mood for a while now anyway, maybe it's the increasingly gloomy weather, or the fact that I feel fatter than hell right now. We're going to a water park this weekend - my daughter is so excited she can hardly stand it - but I am dreading being out in public without a shirt on. Hell, I don't even feel good that way if I'm completely alone. I can't really shower with clothes on though.

So, this isn't about beating myself up or calling myself names. It just seems like the past clings ever so desperately sometimes, the more you try to shed it the harder it hangs on.

I know it will be beaten, for the most part it has.

Manic Monday

2008-10-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm just so thrilled to be alive today. No, really. Pay no attention to my copious weeping.

Being tired is never helpful, so my mood is not so good today. My negativity is vastly improved, but that doesn't mean I still don't have to fight it off now and again. Today is one of those days.

My online communities of friends are actually not helping.

I belong to a Christian forum, and of course they are all bashing those "evil liberals", and some of them are convinced Obama is actually the Anti-Christ. Most of the rest just refer to him as a socialist piece of shit.

Whatever. So I've had to stop going there, because such blind hatred makes me feel physically ill. Lovely coming from "Christians" too.

So Obama may not be the best choice for president, who's to say. But the level of ugliness in the election year just seems 10 times worse than any before that I have witnessed. I'm probably voting for Obama. If that makes me liberal socialist scum, then you weren't much of a friend in the first place.

And don't even get me started on the man-bashing I can read elsewhere.

I used to love the message boards where I met a wide variety of cool and interesting people. But I am seriously about done with them.

Friday, Again, and a Birthday Shout-Out

2008-10-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am counting the minutes, yes, even the seconds until I can skulk out of here. It's been a weird and tiring week, full of stress and such.

Well, today has been good so far. I had lunch with a major hottie. This woman has it all, brains, looks, humor, hotness. She is the ideal woman.

Despite getting a decent amount of sleep, I am still tired. I think I am fighting some crud off. I may have to apply some rum therapy to it, that should kill any germs in the back of my throat.

I know my daughter is tired, because she said so on her new MySpace page. Yes, we've allowed her to get one, and she is enjoying it so far, although I'm sure the novelty will wear off at some point. MySpazz is fine, it's reputation notwithstanding, but it is just another website in the end.

I want to give mad birthday props to my oldest son Corwin. He is becoming quite the young man. His actual birthday is tomorrow, but I almost never have time to write on the weekends, so here is his birthday shout-out a day early.

I know he is going to be a fine man someday, and I am lucky to be his father.

Happy Birthday, Corwin. I love you.

New Levels of Spam

2008-10-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

I got an email this morning - it actually looked like it was on the level at first. It was from someone claiming to be a webmaster who wanted me to write a review of his website and post it here. In return I would receive compensation or a free sample of his merchandise.

Wow, I thought, money's tight right now, I could use some. And getting paid to write - well, that's a dream job of mine. So I head off to his website, excited to see what it was I would be reviewing.

It was one of those "enlarge your penis" sites. Or enhance your penis. Or some shit like that. It basically involved putting a ring on your.....well, you know. And magnets were involved somehow.

Sigh.

So needless to say I will not be reviewing the penis enhancement site, other than to say it was poorly constructed and horribly laid out. But since I'm not giving out the name of the site, my comments mean nothing anyway.

Just take my word for it, it was lame. And I was very disappointed that I was duped into even clicking the link to this site.

The spammers get more clever every day.

Interesting Timing On Yesterday's Post (now edited)

2008-09-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

Very interesting timing to yesterday's entry, because the ax fell today, at least six times, and we are holding our collective breaths here at my company to see if they are done yet.

At least six people lost their jobs today. Good people, some with families to feed.

Kristian Luttrell is probably my closest friend out of the four. He had been to my house for a party once. He enjoyed odd, perverse humor like me, we could sit and quote Team America or South Park Movie lines to each other. He has a wife and children my age, I worry the most about him, and he was a big surprise to be let go.

Peter Hinchcliff is also a good friend, we worked together on my largest account. His layoff was not as surprising because he had scaled himself down to working part-time anyway. He had an offbeat sense of humor as well, and had been at this company for over 20 years.

Doug Steinberg sat across the aisle from me, and we were becoming good friends too. He had only been at K/P for a year or so, but he has been in our industry for many years.

David Miller worked in sales. Semi-ironically, he fired me once at an old job. But I quickly forgave him when he started working here - the firing order had come from above him anyway, he just had the unpleasant duty of telling me. He left that company not long after, and had been here in sales for almost two years. Sales is a tough gig, there are occasional times I think I want to go back into it, but then tough economic times like this remind me it can go down the crapper in a hurry.

EDIT - there have been two more since I wrote the first part above earlier this morning.

Scott Butler - I'm not terribly surprised by this one, I knew he had built up a list of warnings in his file for not always getting along well with others or being a "team player", but I always got along just fine with him. I didn't know much about him though - he always seemed to keep to himself. I know he has a a young son, and that has to be difficult wondering how he will be fed.

Chuck Sexton - an older gentlemen who I had worked with once before at Greater Seattle Printing and Mailing, he was a great guy to work with - cool under pressure, friendly, and knew what he was doing. I was shocked by this one.

I wish all these people the best. I hope we are done letting people go.

We Live In Interesting Times

2008-09-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

I am reading the Internet news and listening to my co-workers talk - people are getting more nervous every day. Congress just voted down the banking bail-out package, stocks are plummeting yet again, and there seems to be no end in sight yet.

Opinions here seem to range from cautiously optimistic to dread. I talked to one co-worker who feels now is the perfect time to buy stock because he feels we will be rebounding soon. We have before. Others feel this is not like anything we have seen in the lifetime of anyone under our grandparent's age.

And frankly the atmosphere here where I work is a bit tense. Our company is feeling the same economic downturn that many are feeling - sales are down, profits are gone, and now everyone is just waiting for the layoffs we all figure are inevitable.

But, I for one refuse to worry about it. I don't want to lose my job, but if it happens, it happens. Heh, this will make my wife undoubtedly shudder in horror, but we can always go live with my mom. I just worry about all the other people out there with nobody to turn to. Are we going to become a society of people in bread lines, living in tent cities?

That's a worst-case scenario, and I'm fairly confident things won't get quite that ugly, but a lot of people are going to struggle, that I am also fairly confident of. Of course, I hope I am wrong there.

Hard Time Today (edited)

2008-09-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

NOT Older Than Dirt

2008-09-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

Despite what my kids say, my wife is not older than dirt. That's the current "hot" joke around our house right now - remarking humorously about how old the parents are.

For example - "Hey, when you met Jesus in person, was He really as cool as He seems?"

Hahahahahahahahaha. F***ing whippersnappers.

So the stunning, picturesque, delightful, charming, wonderful, exquisite, clever, remarkable, compassionate, tremendous, hilarious, resilient, dedicated, and faithful Mrs. Hoerler is having a birthday today.

Thirty eight years ago today she came into this world, and yes I can give her age, she is not bothered by such things.

She has seen a lot of rough times over those years, I am not going to go into the story of her childhood here, but suffice it to say it was pretty shitty at times. Mine was rough in some ways, but mine looks like a walk in the park compared to hers. Mine just had father abandonment issues and peer issues, hers had those plus lots lots more.

She rose above it though. She is a loving, caring mother to her kids. She was a light in the spiritual darkness to me.

We have had our share of rough times too. No marriage is without those. And outside pressures have tried to eat away at the foundation of the relationship as well - money trouble and various individual struggles are examples of that.

But we are here, and standing yet. For her birthday, I renew my pledge to stand and fight for her and along side her.

Happy birthday, my love.

Patience

2008-09-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my quest of learning to like myself and be content with who I am is not all I get to work on right now.

I am learning some hard hard lessons about patience, and trying to keep my heart from hardening beyond repair.

It's easy to stand by a friend who is having a hard time. But it is much harder when that then extends profoundly into your own life. Anger sets in. Resentment can fester. The heart becomes a block of concrete.

Is it right? No, probably not.

So I bide my time, and try like hell to hold onto what is right. I just feel like I am in a bad dream sometimes - one that goes on and on and on and on and on.

But the right thing to do is stand. Stand by those who need it. So I will, as long as I humanly can.

I'm Stealing This From Myself

2008-09-18T14:55:00.002-07:00

I posted this earlier this morning at an online community I frequent:

It feels like WW1 - long weary slogs through the mud of the garbage that is causing this situation, dodging the bullets and bombs of the enemy designed to lay me and mine low.

I fight on today, because I must, because there is no other choice. I have a comrade who is in need, and while I cannot save her, I can choose to stand beside her and continue this awful fight, or I can turn and run.

I hunker down in my trench and take sight on another target. What else is there to do?

I'm tired and I feel like I am so very alone sometimes, but what else is there to do?

But I know God is there. For most of my 42 years I would have cut and run by now. All of this journey may well have just been preparing me for this time. The situations and the tribulations have made me into what I am now, and it has been just enough to keep me fighting on.

But only barely. Barely is enough though. It's like this was planned, I was in basic training for just as long as needed, then sent into a critical spot.

I'm tired, but what is there to do but keep on? Laying down is almost as bad as running, and I refuse to give into those old enemies of self-loathing, self-blame, and unending melancholy.

I don't know why I wrote this out, other than it feels good. Maybe to reaffirm that I just have to keep fighting.

When I Think My Job Is Bad....

2008-09-18T14:55:00.001-07:00

I'm kind of tired today, mentally doing pretty well, just......tired. So I don't have anything to say.

Therefore, I declare it to be "Gross, Yet Amusing Picture Day"!

Whenever I think I have a lousy job, I just look at this picture. EWWWWWWW. My job is never as bad as the one of the person implanted in this elephant's backside.

I'm not sure what procedure is occuring here - maybe the elephant is having a diffficult birth. I don't know and I really don't want to know.

I just thank God that this isn't MY job to do.

According to the stats, this is my 100th entry!

2008-09-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

When I started this I wasn't sure how long I could keep it up. Well, at least this long.

I want to thank all of you - I think there are four or five now :-) - who have been keeping up with the inner workings of my mind.

Yesterday was a bad day, but thank you GOD those are much fewer and farther between, and even when they do occur they last much less time.

I do intend to keep this up, at least for the time being. I suppose I might run out of things to say at some point, but I hope not. This has been good practice for my writing skills, and has also played a part in my mental well being - stuff like yesterday is much less common even in the few months that I have been doing this blog.

Those of you that pray - I ask you to lift up my sweet and wonderful wife, she is having some struggles of her own. But I know things will be better soon enough.

What about this economic situation, eh? We indeed live in interesting times. The Hoerler finances match the overall picture - things aren't looking too rosy. But I refuse to stress out over it - I can only play it as each day comes.

Well, things are crazy busy at work, so I guess I should sign off for now.

Addendum, It's a Bit Better

2008-09-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

Interestingly enough, I heard the completely 180 degrees opposite viewpoint today from the one I mentioned right below.

I am guessing the truth is probably in the middle somewhere.

I can always continue to improve, but not everything, ESPECIALLY with other people, is my fault.

I have to believe that. HAVE to. I can accept my own flaws, but to believe all the flaws are always mine drives me to depths of despair that I cannot even describe to you. I cannot live there, and indeed refuse to. SOMETIMES it's me, but not always.

Balance.

I just need to take care of myself.

Lesson Learned

2008-09-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

A Really Deep Topic Today

2008-09-15T11:43:00.001-07:00

Well, I could discuss the devastation from Hurricane Ike, or the market troubles this morning, or the turmoil my personal life seems to want to permanently become.

Nah. Let's talk about something a little less stressful. Or maybe more stressful. I guess it depends on your point of view.

We in the Seattle area have been living under a huge black cloud lately. No, I'm not talking about the weather, although we have days like that too.

I'm talking about.......our local sports teams.

We are like a city cursed. If I believe such a Deity existed, I would be sending up my burnt offerings right now to the God Of Sports Success. Because if such a Deity did exist, He/She/It would most certainly be PISSED at Seattle.

Quite simply, the fans of the local teams have had very very little to celebrate in many years. Where to start.....?

How about the Mariners, our baseball team? We are about to become one of the biggest jokes in baseball history - the first team ever to have a $100 million plus payroll and lose 100 games. They play 162 in a season, so to lose 100 you can only win 62 at the most. 62-100 is not any one's idea of success. And they could win less than that even.

They have had a few decent years. 1995 sticks in the mind of any true fan - they came from behind to make the playoffs, then won a thrilling series against the New York Yankees. Sadly, that seemed to use up what magic they had that year, as an exhausted M's squad then lost to Cleveland in the next round.

In 2001 they tied a record for most wins EVER in the regular season, only to get knocked out of the playoffs by the New York Yankees. Paybacks are a bitch. They have never even played in the World Series, much less won it.

Since then they have gone down hill dramatically. This will be their seventh straight season of not making the playoffs, and next year doesn't look too promising either.

Then there is the Seahawks. When Mike Holmgren took over as head coach almost 10 years ago, I felt certain he would guide us to a championship - especially if you'd have told me then that he would be here for 10 seasons.

Well, he did get us to the Promised Land once - we went to the Super Bowl back in 2005. Sadly, because of some poor play and a few questionable penalties, we lost that game. It was our first visit to the Super Bowl, and we have never been back since. Now this year they are plagued with injuries, and have lost their first two games, including one they were heavily favored to win.

The last men's professional championship this town ever saw was in 1979 when the Seattle Supersonics won it all, and induced pandemonium in this city.

Flash forward to 2008 and they don't even play in this city anymore, since a robber baron named Clay Bennett bought them and moved them halfway across the country. This one hurts way too much still, so I'll leave it at that.

The Seattle Storm did win a women's basketball championship a few years back, but sadly for them they still struggle for recognition in a pro sports world dominated by the men's sports. They have a decent team this year, but another championship seems unlikely since their star player is injured.

Even our college teams suck. I have been a Washington Huskies fan for as long as I can remember, and they are on their 4th or 5th lousy losing season in a row. It's about to cost their head coach his job. To be fair to them, they did TIE for the championship back in 1991 - this was before they had a system to allow the top two teams to play each other. Their basketball team has alternated between awful and decent, but since the glamour recruits never want to seem to come to Seattle it seems unlikely a championship will ever come from them.

And don't even get me started on the Washington State Cougars. I can sort of grudgingly root for them IF they aren't playing the Huskies, but their football team could be even worse then ours and if the glamour basketball recruits don't want to come to Seattle they sure as HELL don't want to play in tiny farming/college town Pullman.

I'm 42 years old. I've seen one major championship in my lifetime, plus a tie and one from a team nobody seems to care about. It feels unlikely I will ever see another at this point, even if I live another 42 years.

What sort of burnt offering does The Deity Of Sports Championships prefer?

9/11 Rememberance on 9/12

2008-09-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

I remember that 9/11/2001 in the Puget Sound area was warm, sunny and gorgeous, much like it was in Manhattan that day.

I woke up, took my shower, got dressed, had a bite to eat and some coffee, then headed to work. I had about a 5-10 minute commute at the time. During all this I had not switched a radio or TV on. So I arrived at work with no clue as to what had occurred. Being on the west coast, all of the major events had already transpired.

So I walk into work, and I see co-workers gathered around a radio crying. I asked what was wrong, and they started saying something about how planes had crashed and towers had fallen and frankly not one bit of it made any sense to me, it was all too overwhelming.

For the first and only time since it became so huge in our lives, the Internet did not help much that day, at least at first. I remember all the news sites being overwhelmed and loading extremely slowly if they loaded at all.

So I went to the message boards that I have always liked to visit, and slowly pieced together the news from there, plus I listened on small transistor radios with my co-workers. It all seemed like a dream or an epic end of the world dramatization.

I had to attend a big sales meeting that day in our other office, and we still held the meeting, but nothing remotely like sales was discussed. Instead we spent much of our time around a television set in our client lounge watching a TV.

On the drive back to my office I stopped at a 7-11 and bought a small American flag from a middle eastern gentlemen who looked as shaken as everyone else and put it on my car. I am not normally given to overt displays like that, but that day it seemed right.

When I got home that evening I didn't know what to do other than carry on as usual - I made dinner for my family and then took my kids to the pool.

We lived near Sea-Tac airport at that time, and the silence of no planes flying was noticeable that night. When we had first moved in the jet noise was a little annoying, but we felt hope again the first time we heard it again post 9/11.

It sounded like the world was righting itself again, at least a little.

Seven years and a day later it seems like some weird fever dream, but it must still seem like a nightmare to those who lost loved ones and those that were there and survived when others did not.

My prayers are with them.

BEE-ware!

2008-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

BEE-hold, Michael the Insane Bee!

Well, we had a good time at the Puyallup Fair, that's for sure. You can also tell it was sunny, and I burned a bit.

We arrived just after lunch time and immediately put the kids on the rides - they spun, whirled, and swung for a while, and then announced they were starving despite the sandwiches I fed them just before we arrived. Apparently going on rides makes you hungry.

Actually, mom and dad were hungry too, so we all partook of various forms of fair food. I have a fried chicken plate, the boys had cheeseburgers (2 each), Vivian had a kielbasa and then a BBQ chicken sandwich, and the stunning beautiful and brilliant Mrs. Hoerler had a BBQ plate. Then we moved onto various sweets like cotton candy, ice cream, and scones.

Naturally, no trip to the fair is complete without a visit to vendor booths, and we saw lots and lots and lots of stuff being sold. I did break down and buy some garlic BBQ sauce and some garlic/ginger marinade. I got these at - you guessed it - a vendor specializing in all things garlic.

Then it was on to the Hall Of Hobbies, where people show off their various collections and hobbies. We saw collections ranging from a John Wayne memorabilia collection to a collection of rubber duckies. The kids really liked the Pokemon collection, whoever owned it had more Pikachu's than I ever thought possible.

Then we had to of course check out the collection of animals. We got to pet horses, goats, dogs, bunnies, and cows. Naturally a thorough hand washing followed that.

Finally, we realized it was almost 9 pm, we had been there for eight hours. We did the sky car ride, which is a cable car suspended over the fairgrounds so you can see everything from above, then staggered exhausted back to our car for the short drive home.

All in all, it was a good day at the fair!

Do the Puyallup

2008-09-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

That would be pronounced Pew-Al-Up for my out of state friends. Puyallup is where we live, and is also home to the Western Washington State Fair. From their website:

"The Puyallup Fair (officially known as the Western Washington Fair) is the largest single attraction held annually in the state of Washington. The Fair continually ranks in the top ten largest fairs in the world."

We are going to go on Wednesday, the crowds tend to be a little more manageable on weekdays. The Puyallup School District actually designates an annual "Fair Day" where the students get out early, and that's the day we are going. I am using my last Floating Holiday from work to do so.

So what do we do at the Fair? Well, I think we all have different areas of interest. The kids, naturally, want to go on the rides. Plus there are assorted sweeties to eat. I like to look at the animals, and the stuff being displayed. The "Hobby Display" is one of the coolest things to look at - people show off various collections of stuff they collect.

Plus, who doesn't want some scones, and later a gigantic onion burger or some BBQ?

It does get a bit spendy. The kids will get free admission tickets, but us adults will have to pay like $8 each to get in. Parking is $5 to $20, depending on how far you are willing to walk. The food and the rides add up quickly, and everyone seems to want a souvenir of some sort.

If it's not too crowded, you can do the whole thing in a few hours. The weather is supposed to be good, after all, September is usually one of the nicest months in our state.

I am ready for the Fair!

Another Friday

2008-09-05T11:10:00.001-07:00

Today's mood is exhausted. Wait. Is that a mood, or a state of being?

The turmoils lately have left me sleeping poorly. I sleep eventually every night, but not until I lay tossing and turning and mulling over events for a while. It doesn't matter how tired I am.

The kids are wrapping up the first week back at school, and I know they are tired too, getting readjusted to a new schedule has taken it's toll. I could especially see it in Josh yesterday, but all three were definitely shagged out last night when I put them to bed.

I do hope to sleep in tomorrow, but still in all I have much to get accomplished. The grocery store and the library need to be visited. The lawn needs mowing, and the house that I worked so very hard to clean needs tidying.

In fact, I need to have a chat with my kids. I don't even need them to help so much, I just need to ask, beg, and/or plead for them not to just leave their shit everywhere upstairs. They can mess up the downstairs all they want for all I care, that's their zone. I just want a reasonably clean upstairs. I like it that way, and I am discovering I want it to stay that way.

I come home and find they have shed articles of clothing. There are clothes on the floor in the living room. There are shoes in my bedroom. There were even clothes on the floor by the computer. I need them to shed them in their own rooms. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Plus toys, games, books, playing cards. School papers. Backpacks. These all wind up strewn about the living room floor. It needs to stop. Just strew them about the downstairs.

I take some of the responsibility for this, I've never tried to enforce it before. We've been very easy on them in that regard. And I still want them to be kids and enjoy and play. I just want one level of our house to remain clean to my standards. Hell, they can even play there, I just want them to pick up after.

Sunday will be church, taking Vivian to see a friend, and possibly fishing with the boys. Hopefully a nap can be squeezed in there at some point.

That's my exciting life. But I'm not complaining, it beats the alternative.

Hello my lovelies....

2008-09-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

.....today the anger and vitriol are gone. YAY.

But not so good - they are replaced with sadness, and confusion. Advice has been offered, and is being weighed and considered. I can only change myself in the end, that's all anyone can ever do.

When do the needs of one outweigh another? They probably don't. But what if it's more than one experiencing the same need? Does it come to a situation where you upset one side to save another? I hope not.

What if you have been told something that makes you question if you are having things kept from you? If it turns out to be true, how easily is trust rebuilt?

I so desperately want to close my eyes to this and trust that by standing still and doing nothing that somehow God will come through.

But what if God wants us to be involved? Does He encourage us to take a hand in our own earthly fate, or does he ask us to sit back and leave absolutely everything to him? Why would he give us a brain and reason if he didn't intend for us to use them?

Imagine standing in quicksand, and being in danger of sinking into it and dieing. God appears and throws you a rope. Do you take the rope, or do you wait, certain He will eventually get into the quicksand and put your hands on the rope for you?

I just don't think I can stand still anymore. In the end, as I said, I can only deal with me. I have a responsibility to take care of myself, and those that depend on me the most.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2008-09-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

What the BLEEP's it mean to me?

I had a long post today, but deleted it. It was full of anger and vitriol, and in the end would have been counterproductive.

Suffice it to say not all is well in my world, and I am really struggling to maintain my patience with it.

If you ask the Lord to help you develop patience, be careful, He might just grant you your wish.

I don't know what else to say, except some changes need to occur. But one way or another things will resolve themselves. I have faith in that.

Freedom!

2008-09-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am channeling William Wallace, I am standing on a hill, screaming "Freedom" and waving my fanny at my foes.

OK, not really. That's just the fatigue talking. I need to go to bed early tonight.

Today is the last day of summer freedom for the wonderful, smart, funny, talented Hoerler children. I am hoping they are making the most of it. It's sunny outside, and I can only imagine them running around the yard or walking to the park.

My oldest, Vivian, is starting Junior High tomorrow, and frankly she seems pretty on-edge about it. I have tried to assure her that, despite my own horror stories of my time in Junior High, she should be fine. Besides, it would be almost impossible to have a time as bad as I did. Vivian is far more self-assured than I ever was at that age, I'm not worried about her.

Corwin is going into 5th grade. This may be an interesting year for him, he'll no longer have the shadow of an older sibling in the same school over him. He's a bright kid, and of my three probably reminds me most of myself at that age, except for he is more physically gifted than I ever was.

And our baby, the youngest, Joshua is going into 2nd grade. He's also very bright, charming, and seems to be a buddy to pretty much everyone.

It's always vastly entertaining and educational to watch these three diverse personalities grow and develop. Each has their own style and strengths. I love each and every one of them so much it feels like it hurts sometimes.

Here's to a good school year!

Breaking Free From The Orbit

2008-08-29T14:34:00.001-07:00

Not much to say today, please forgive that.

I need to develop more interests and activities of my own. Anyone that has any ideas on how to do that and not neglect my family, please leave them in the Comments section.

I just am realizing I need to take care of myself more. I need to get out and do some things. Meet some people.

I am ready, the thought excites me!

Hope you all enjoy the three day weekend coming up. Be safe, and I love you all!

Usually I Avoid Politics And Religion

2008-08-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

I tend to avoid the topics of politics and religion because they cause such a wide variety of inflamed responses. But I am a Christian, and because I lack anything else to talk about today, I am going to veer toward discussing religion.

My lovely and brilliant wife and I were discussing this topic a while ago: why it is so hard as a couple to agree on matters of our faith. Shouldn't we be more of one mind on these subjects?

I was thinking about it this morning, when I had one of those "duh-slap-your-forehead" moments. Our inability to always agree on matters of the faith is just a tiny reflection of faith throughout the history of mankind.

Humans have never agreed on much of anything, and when faith is thrown in the mix, there have been times things have become really ugly. Wars, terror, torture, murder, and oppression have resulted from disagreements about faith over the centuries.

Thankfully my wonderful spouse and I have not declared a Jihad on each other. Yet. ;-)

Tossing out the other religions for a moment: I hear about the Holy Spirit in the Christian faith, how It fills us and surrounds us if we let it. Wouldn't it be cool if this caused us all to "get it", to be of one mind on walk toward our end destiny. Yet Christianity itself has many subdivisions, sects, and disagreements.

It's frustrating, but it seems our very human nature must be preventing this somehow. Is it pride and desire to hold onto the belief that we are right? Is it just part of the condition of being in this world?

I have no idea, I just want to try to keep it in mind when I deal with others of my faith.

And of course, toss in all the other religions, and compare how many thousands of different viewpoints and beliefs there are. Despite having the disposition to pray and worship coded into our very DNA, we are all so scattered that it all seems so overwhelming and confusing.

Admittedly, the notion of belief and human nature have been on my mind a lot lately. I think about how the Lord wants to save as many as possible, but how the way is narrow and few will find it, and how many will be lost for lack of accepting the belief in Jesus, and I just .... ponder.

Answers? I got none.

What Is It I Do Again?

2008-08-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I am back. After my week and a half "stay-cation", I am back.

Ugh.

I am getting caught up, my backup did a pretty good job covering for me, but I am still mentally tossing up air-balls today. Every simple task seems horribly complex. Every complex task seems more difficult than building my own spaceship and going to Mars.

I feel like my mind is awash in a syrupy sludge, every work-related thought a sticky painful mess.

Ah well, it is good to see most of these folks again at least, my company is a good one even if I am not always enamored with the tasks I must perform.

To add a final recap to the time off - we did not go fishing or to the zoo. I am hoping to get to both of those this weekend - it will be a three day weekend after all. We did play mini-golf last night, and we all loved it. Well, we did until the wind started blowing and the rain started falling.

So, there was lots of cleaning, and some yard work. There was lots of relaxing, a fire in the fire pit, a trip to a wedding, and a couple of dinners out. Books were read and movies were watched.

Now, exhausted and confused, I am trying to remember how to do this "work thing" again.

Ugh.

Time off - second update

2008-08-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I have one day of freedom left. Cue horrid bouts of depression.

Nah, it ain't that bad. But I have enjoyed my annual summer break.

The entire upper level of our house is pretty clean. There a couple more things that could be done, but I am not spending my last day doing them. Tomorrow will be dedicated to fun.

We may go to the zoo, or we may go fishing. Pictures will be taken either way.

Today I cleaned a LOT, and I am feeling it right now. I am sore and exhausted, and my left big toe is throbbing from the nasty stubbing I gave it.

School clothes have been purchased for the boys. Yay for credit. Ugh, not really, but we had no other choice. My wife and daughter will go this weekend and finish buying the clothes for the girl.

We had the fire in the pit a couple nights ago, smores were eaten by the younger set, and grown-up beverages consumed by me. The weather was good that night, and the delectable Mrs. Hoerler and I sat out and enjoyed until after dark.

It's hard to believe the summer is basically gone. The kids start school next week. I can sense it in the air, the season is changing again. Well, who knows, maybe we'll get one of those "Indian Summer Septembers".

Hopefully.

My time off, so far

2008-08-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I must say it has been a grand "stay-cation" so far. I've spent a lot of it.....working.

But I am serious when I say it's good, because it's been working around the house and yard, as I intended. Our kitchen, dining area, and living room are nice and clean. The yard has been mowed, trimmed, and edged. I've still had time for a couple of afternoon naps and staying up late to watch movies with the outstanding and fantastic Mrs. Hoerler.

I am very happy just to be getting a breather from my job.

Alas, the time goes by quickly. It is already Thursday, and I will have tomorrow plus the first two days of next week off. Then.....DUM DUM DUM....back to the grindstone.

Even that has a positive - I will be back for three days, then have a three day weekend. Basically, just enough time to get caught up before the month-end billing rush.

But while there is time off yet remaining, there is so much I still want to do. We need to get some school clothes and school supplies for the kids. I have more cleaning I'd like to do. We want to go to the zoo, and play mini-golf. I want to have a fire in the fire pit, and maybe even have a backyard camp-out.

So, for now, I am signing off to do some cleaning.

Stay-cation

2008-08-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

That's what they call it nowadays when you take some vacation time from work, but can't really afford to go anywhere.

I am taking some time off starting tomorrow, but I will be home except for a couple of days where we are going to a wedding. So, for the next couple of weeks you may or may not see entries here.

I intend to relax, but I also intend to get some things done. We have to somehow find the money to buy school supplies and school clothes for three kids. My yard needs some attention. The house is a filthy filthy disaster, and I intend to deal with that. Plus I would like to do a couple of local fun things with the kids, like fishing and backyard camping. I think I will also have a garage sale.

Oh, and I bet it would be nice to get some more of my book written.

It kind of sucks that we don't get a week at the ocean like we did last year, but things are tough economically all over, not just with us. Thankfully, we aren't living under a freeway overpass.

Well, at least not yet.

Am I A Bad American?

2008-08-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

I ask that question because I just cannot bring myself to care about the Olympics much. Sure, it's nice that Michael Phelps will win yet another huge pile of medals, probably even breaking a record for most gold medals in a single year. He'll be able to pave his entire driveway of his mansion with the medals he'll have won before he retires.

But I just......don't care. There are a lot of events I know next to nothing about, and maybe I'm boorish for saying so, but I don't really want to learn about them.

Two man synchronized skeet shooting? Nice. Whatever.

And any event that does not have a "set in stone"method of determining the winner is not a sport in my book. Swimming? First guy to the wall wins. Easy. That's a sport.

But anything that requires a bunch of judges I tend to look askew at. I'm sorry, I know this will offend some people, but that includes gymnastics. The people doing this are very athletic, and wonderfully skilled, but a good performance can be ruined on the whim of a cranky or biased judge. Again, this is not a knock on the gymnasts themselves. I couldn't do one single thing that they do, I would no doubt splatter myself all over the pommel horse and require it to be removed surgically from my face.

And I'm OK with that.

Maybe they could make it so the gymnasts had to shoot at targets while they did their routines. Yeah, now that would be interesting. "Kerry Strug did an amazing dismount, and blasted 4 out of 5 clay targets with her Remington 12 gauge pump-action shotgun! OUTSTANDING! That should win her the gold!"

But I have not watched a single moment of Olympics on TV, save for glancing at it when passing through the room while at a party at my in-laws.

And let's talk basketball for a moment. America sends multi-million dollar best-on-the-planet players. They are usually huge favorites to win. How can you root for that? OK, maybe a few countries are getting good besides us, but if the US team lost to a bunch of Maori tribesmen representing the New Zealand team, how could you not think that was the greatest freaking thing in Olympic history? I love a good underdog story.

And it's in China, a country whose government I can't say I care for. They still put Christians in jail. It wasn't that long ago they ran over college students with tanks. OK, no country is perfect (hello Abu Graib!), but as far as oppressive governments go ours still has quite a ways to go to match theirs.

And don't even get me started on women's beach volleyball. That's just an excuse for extraordinarily toned young women in very skimpy outfits a chance to leap around. It's become one of the most popular events at the Olympics, proving sex still sells.

Now excuse me, I need to get back to my beach volley.....er, work.

Another Movie Discussion Post

2008-08-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

So the wife and I watched a movie last night that has stuck with me for a while, I cannot stop thinking about it. It's no great piece of film making, it's not for kids, and it's not a happy movie, but it had some things to say.

The movie is called "He Was A Quiet Man" and it stars a barely recognizable Christian Slater in one of the better performances of his career. Slater plays Bob, the titular Quiet Man.

Bob is a loner who has a dreary job in a cubicle farm. He has a rude, arrogant boss, and his co-workers either ignore him or treat him with outright disdain.

Bob unfortunately is at his breaking point, and wants to shoot the most vexing of his co-workers. He also fantasizes about blowing up the building where he work. Bob needs help.

One day at work Bob see a co-worker do what he has been wanting to do, and in a strange twist of fate, Bob becomes the hero instead. He even saves the life of the beautiful Vanessa, nicely played by Elisha Cuthbert, although she winds up paralyzed.

After an initial rejection, Vanessa and Bob connect, and even begin to fall in love. Bob is also given a major promotion at work, and welcomed by those that used to despise him.

I don't want to spoil too much of this movie, but this is not a happy movie. In the end it becomes about Bob's psyche, and how he cannot handle things even when they are seemingly going well. His insecurities undermine his gains.

I've found life can be that way - we can become slaves to our insecurities, and they can destroy us.

I won't recommend this movie, because I know there are many people out there who will not like it. I don't want to be responsible for recommending something that some people are likely to dislike or even hate. Like I said, this is not a happy movie. Nobody changes or is saved. There is no redemption.

Some times life is like that though. And thankfully sometimes it's not.

It's Gonna Be A Weird Week

2008-08-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

All three kids are off at my mom's until Friday. The house is going to be very quiet.

I know many parents who would totally relish this opportunity, but I am in that minority that enjoys having them around. Not to say I don't relish some moments of peace and quiet, but a week is going to be a long time.

Last night I relished. Oh, did I relish. Not only were the kids gone, but the wife was over at her family's. I had Hoerler Mansion completely to myself.

At first it was a little odd - what do I *DO* with myself and this free time? But I figured it out pretty quickly. Get on the computer? Check! Nobody around to stop that. Go watch an R rated movie? Check! And I could turn the volume up and leave the bedroom door open even. Sit and just read? Check! Nobody to interrupt that. Turn off the lights and go to sleep when I want? CHECK!

But I will welcome the little blighters back for sure. I love those guys, and after awhile the quiet just gets......unnerving.

I heard an old joke/story/parable yesterday, and want to set it to words here. I apologize to those that may have heard it already, but I just love the story.

Mavis was an elderly woman who lived in a small town. One year the rains came much heavier than usual, and the town was under imminent flood danger. Mavis was a devout Christian, and prayed to God for help.

The rain kept coming and coming, and finally the mayor gave the order to evacuate. A bus full of Mavis' church friends stopped at her house and offered to help her pack some things and get out of town with them.

Mavis' reply was "Oh, no thanks. God will help me."

Soon, the flooding started, and the water was up to Mavis' waist. A neighbor came by in a boat, and offered to help her grab a few necessities and get her out of there.

Mavis replied again "Oh, no thanks. God will help me."

The flooding got worse, and soon Mavis found the water almost up to her neck. Then a National Guard helicopter appeared overhead, and a voice came over a loudspeaker "Ma'am, we can lower a basket right now and save you." But she waved them off, still patiently waiting for God to save her.

Unfortunately, Mavis drowned moments later.

Fortunately, she arrived in Heaven, and was brought before the throne of God Himself. He said "Welcome my child, while I am glad to see you have arrived at your new eternal home, why did you ignore the three times I tried to help you!"

I'm trying to remember God can work through other people.

Today, A Lighter Topic

2008-08-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

Let's make some funny pictures, eh? There is a website out there where you can make parodies of thos motivational posters that were big a few years back.

http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/motivator.php

So, you could for example, take a picture like this:

And make it into something funny like this:

Yes, you too can harness the awesome power of the internet.

This may be the lowest content post I have made yet. Have a great weekend everyone!

Never Stop Improving

2008-08-07T08:05:00.001-07:00

I think I get set in my ways sometimes, I am old after all, and figure I am doing fine and don't need to worry so much about working on this wreck called Michael. I get more concerned with just enjoying as much as possible what time I have left here. But there may be a lot of that time yet, and do I want to be content with just staying where I am at?

And what's worse is when someone else suggests to me things could be better. I don't know why that bothers me so. For some reason, someone can say to me that I could stand to improve, and I get seriously bent. I pull a "bull-in-a-china-shop" act, and before you can say "just chill out Michael" I've caused serious harm to a relationship.

Because it's give and take. Give and take. Give and take. All I do is take take take. There is no give. I ask for things in a relationship, but don't make it a fair exchange.

Another layer of the onion is peeled away - because friendship and how I wish I had more of it has been an ongoing concern of mine.

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I seem incapable of doing it though. I hurt and wound and upset people with my callous lack of regard for their feelings. I sit and wonder if I would be better off just being a hermit, but the lack of interaction would really depress me. But if I am running roughshod over people when I am around them, how is that helping?

I must always look to improve, becoming complacent and resting on my laurels is not going to cut it. My arrogance shines through when I do that.

To the person I hurt so badly, I am really sorry. It may be too much damage has been done for an apology to make a difference right now, but I will offer it anyway.

I Am Not Going To Say Much Today

2008-08-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

Because I am feeling somewhat down, and of course with some of my previous entries I have sort of painted myself into a corner - I don't really have an valid excuse for feeling down. Aren't things so much worse elsewhere?

Actually I have a reason, but I'm not going into it here. I am willing to open up almost every aspect of my life, but there are one or two things I am going to leave private. At least for now.

Well, there really are at least a couple of reasons, one being the reason I won't go in to, and one being the fact that I am having a negative body self-image day.

I feel fat, bloated, and highly nasty looking.

I am having a really hard time staying on any sort of semblance of a diet. I like to eat a little too much, and I partied down last night even though it wasn't supposed to be my day to eat whatever I want.

So I am very frustrated at two things today, and don't feel like saying much. But at least I wrote something.

Postscript - and of course, even the other situation is just me being whiney. Ugh. I just need more sleep I think.

Stew

2008-08-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm going to just throw some things together today, mmmmmm, word stew.

First, I was supposed to recap how my reunion with my college buddies went, but I forgot to do so yesterday, so here it is today.

It actually went pretty well, at least from my perspective. It was interesting to observe the dynamics of how we interacted. There were, as you may recall, four of us: myself, Ken, Dean, and Brent.

As I have stated here, Ken and I have lunch every month or two. The Ken I see at lunch is different than the Ken that came out that night. It was the old Ken - his wit was much more acerbic.

Brent also seemed much the same. I don't know if he has just always remained that way, because I have no frame of reference like I do for Ken. He is very vocal, he talked more than the rest of us - not in a bad way, just that he's a talker.

Dean was different, however. He seemed quieter, and as the evening went on maybe a bit distracted, or not as into the conversation. One of Ken's acerbic jokes may have been part of that. The Dean I remember was more vocal, and very enthusiastic about it. This was a mellower, toned down Dean.

And of course, I know I have changed. I used to talk more, I think. I used to try harder to be funny. Plus I am the only one married (although Ken was married once, and lives with someone now), and I am the only one with kids. I'm sure that must have altered me in some pretty profound ways - for the good, mind you.

Anyway, it was fun, or it was for me at least, and I hope we do it again.

On a totally different topic, I was known in the past to go overboard in feeling bad about screw-ups I had made. I got depressed, felt lousy for long periods of time, and generally hated myself if I did something wrong.

That's not the healthiest way to approach that. Genuine remorse and reflection on how to avoid the mistake are fine - for a time, but then it becomes unhealthy when dwelt on for too long.

But the opposite is not good either - flippantly dismissing incidents like they are no big deal when they are and acting like the aggrieved party is the one in the wrong for being upset are not good either.

I am not going to go into specifics on this, suffice it to say I am struggling with the second reaction in someone I know. Oh well, life will go on.

It's not like I am perfection personified either.

The Ninth Level Of Hell

2008-08-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

Also known as Junior High, or Middle School to some.

In the Puyallup School District, it's where students go from grade 7 through grade 9. This is the same system I endured as a teen.

I say endured because those were three of the most miserable years of my life, especially the first one. Being a little overweight, having bad acne, and having a funny name all painted a target on my back.

As I said, seventh grade was the worst. A part of the developing man inside me died that year, and there have been times since where I missed him. I was shoved. I had books knocked out or kicked out of my hands. I had a few times where I had to literally run from the older boys who chose me for their torment.

But I've told that story here already.

Now my daughter is getting ready to enter that special time. Thankfully, I suspect she is way better equipped to handle it than I was. She's strong and doesn't seem to give a damn what other people think about her.

But of course all I can do is hope, and try not to worry. She is becoming a young woman very fast - she even has a figure now. She will face one thing I never ever had to worry about - attention from the opposite sex.

And she has definitely noticed boys too. Yikes. Time to keep my shotgun at ready.

But she is a smart young woman, and I hold onto that. I know she'll be fine. I still just hate the fact that the very thought of her entering this time makes me have flashbacks to my own experience.

But maybe that's good too. I don't know that I've ever forgiven those boys for what they did to me, and I really want to - NEED TO - do that.

Damn, that is hard though.

Friday Randomness, Again

2008-08-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

I just cannot think of much to write about today, this seems to happen more often on Friday's than other days. The work week is almost over, and I'm usually exhausted mentally and physically.

That would be the case today.

But I am very glad another weekend is almost upon me. My big plan for this weekend is meeting some old friends from college, two of whom I haven't seen for many years. There will be four of us. I have lunch with Ken all the time, but Dean and Brent were long lost to me for quite a while.

This ought to be interesting. All four of us were pretty close our first year at Bellevue Community College, but started drifting apart some the second year, then I left and started going to a different school.

I cannot think of any reason other than Gretchen that we drifted apart. That first year none of us really had girlfriends except Ken, and we all liked her, so we had LOTS of time to spend together. Then I met Gretchen, and naturally preferred spending some of my time with her. Brent and Dean didn't like her much, and Ken seemed rather neutral. I suspect Dean and Brent resented my decreased time to party with them. Things even got a bit acrimonious towards the end of the year between Dean and I.

Oddly, I only met Gretchen because of Dean. At the start of our second year, he had volunteered to tour the new incoming students around the campus. He told me I should do it too. I had zero desire to do so, but finally relented after much begging and pleading from Dean. So, I had my own group of new students I gave a tour to, and Gretchen was in it. We couldn't keep our eyes off of each other, and the rest, as they say, is history. And a story to elaborate on a different day.

So, the famous foursome broke apart. I went off to Central, and completely lost touch with Dean and Brent. Ken and I maintained an on again/off again friendship - we would not talk for a couple of years, we'd hang out a bit, then not talk again for a while. Only in the last year have we really reconnected, doing lunch every month or two.

Even then it's odd sometimes. I really enjoy hanging with Ken, and I guess he must feel somewhat the same, he's willing to keep doing lunch and takes an active role in initiating them sometimes. But it still feels like there is a gap we are trying to bridge sometimes, maybe because our lives are different. I'm married with kids, he isn't. We don't seem to have much in the way of similar interests.

But we talked today about this meeting tomorrow with Dean and Brent, and while we agreed it should be very interesting, privately I wondered if it wasn't going to be somewhat awkward too. Like I said, we sort of just stopped hanging out, and not on the best of terms. I apologized to Dean in an email for my role in it, and he was totally cool, but who knows? And that was just Dean, I have no idea how Brent feels. Well, he's willing to meet, so it can't be too bad I guess. Or he just wants to see Ken again.

Anyway, my Friday randomness has developed into a decent sized entry - high in word count at least, if not content. ;-)

I'll tell you about the meeting of the famous foursome next week.

The 42 Year Old Child Gets A Lecture

2008-07-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

I like to get along with my neighbors. I figure we all have to live together, it is good to try to look out for each other. Even better if you can bond and become friends. That's why yesterday's incident kind of got under my skin.

We live next door to Secret Agent Man. We jokingly call him that because we almost never see him. I think he must work a lot, or he is just never home, because I can literally count on one hand the number of times I've actually had a conversation with him in the three years we've lived there. His real name is Tim, and he's a very nice guy, we just don't ever see him.

The house he lives in is actually owned by his parents, Tim just lives in it, and I've met them twice now. The first time they seemed very nice. Then there was yesterday.

They have three trees along the property line, two have pears of a sort, and one has plums. In three years I have never seen Tim (or his absentee landlord parents) pick one single piece of fruit off any of these trees. I figured they were just ornamental or something. The fruit ripens, then drops to the ground and rots. The yellowjackets and rats enjoy it, but they seem to be the only ones. I wind up having to kick it out of the way when I mow.

So the kids - my kids AND many of the neighborhood kids they play with - discovered it hanging there, and discovered that the unripe plums were fun as hell to pick and throw at each other. I even knew they were doing it, but didn't think anything of it since the neighbors never seemed interested in actually eating it.

Yesterday, Tim's absentee landlord parents were over for a visit, and noticed this going on. So, in a boldly passive-aggressive move, they call the.....neighbors across the street. Yeah, call the couple in their 80's, they'll know what to do.

They then approached some of the kids, including my oldest son, and start lecturing them. My son SWEARS he apologized, but the woman just kept ranting. I suspect she never shut up long enough to hear his apology. That would probably explain why she later told me "he acted like he didn't care and wasn't going to back down."

Because yes, they finally mustered the courage to come over and talk to a grownup - me. So I proceed to get the same lecture, on and on for a while.

And while I agree they have every right to not want their trees hassled, I just think the way they approached it lacked.....something. She made me feel about three feet tall, and it made me feel physically ill.

Plus, they felt the need to mention part of my car was hanging over onto their property whenever I parked on the side of my house. They then proceed to say "oh, it's OK, you can still park there, we just felt we needed to mention it." WHY? To make sure you got an extra dig in? To get one last passive/aggressive bullshit shot in on me? Screw you and your yard, I'll make sure to park on the street from now on if my wife's car is blocking the driveway.

It's still making my skin crawl thinking about it. They tried to pull this "oh, we're so friendly, but we are going to lecture you and make sure you feel like shit with this big old fake smile on our faces, oh and we're so nice because we have been letting 12 inches of your Saturn reside over the property line on this grass you mow all the time for us anyway so your yard won't look like shit because our son only mows when our yard gets taller than three freaking feet".

Ugh, OK rant over. I need to go walk the Paths of Poo now.

Like Pavlov's Dogs

2008-07-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

There is an effort afoot to brainwash us all, and I am seeing it happen to people I know. Good, smart people are falling for this insidious evil, and it has to stop.

I'm talking about getting used to gas prices.

It happens every time they jack the prices way up. We piss and moan and bitch and complain. Email petitions and advice are sent out, each one sillier than the last. Boycott one station! Boycott all stations on one day! Only fill your gas tank in the morning!

The only thing that really works is we all have to drive less. If supply becomes higher than demand, prices will decrease.

But the brainwashing I am talking about - I first noticed it when gas crept over $2 a gallon. People pissed and moaned and bitched and complained, email petitions and advice were being sent out.

We'd be thrilled with $2 a gallon gas now. That's the brainwashing.

No, it's worse than that. Gas has gone down about 6 cents a gallon, and people are thrilled. It's still $4.13 per gallon, but by golly it's not $4.19 anymore! Wooooo! Break out the champagne!

The oil companies jack the prices up $1 per gallon, then let them go down 50 cents. We are still paying more, but we are thrilled with the 50 cents less. They repeat this cycle over and over.

I have an easy solution. I'm going to buy a donkey and ride it everywhere. Hey, if it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.

The Paths of Poo

2008-07-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

I try to walk every work day on my lunch break. It breaks up the routine, is healthy, and I just enjoy it.

As you readers know, my company just moved recently, into a new larger facility. The old place I walked on the streets mostly, and through some parking lots. I had a plotted out route that I did every day, it was about a mile and a half.

Since we have been in the new facility I have had to try to find new places to walk. Much to my joy I discovered there were woodsy paths all over the area, and they passed by many ponds.

Then a few days ago I discovered what these ponds were.

There is a sewage treatment plant nearby. They strain the heavy stuff, and do Lord knows what with it - I sure don't want to know. Then the water is allowed to naturally filtrate in holding ponds, where the plants help clean it, as does evaporation.

Did I mention these paths I discovered passed many ponds? Yep, the very same ponds as the plant is using.

I thought the water color looked a bit off.

Even then it's not usually noticeable, except when the weather starts getting hot. I noticed it late last week on one such hot day. I was strolling down my woodland path, listening to the birds, and suddenly I thought I smelled......well, it reminded me of a diaper pail.

Yummy. The amazing and most excellent Mrs. Hoerler coined the phase "paths of poo" for me last night. I walk the Paths of Poo.

So, I guess it's a trade-off. I no longer have to feel the trucks rumbling by three feet away and sucking down their exhaust. Now I just get to smell waste water.

This is the price of trying to get a little fit, I guess.

So We Get To Do Another Election

2008-07-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

I remember how cool I thought it was when I turned 18 and got to vote in my first election. This was a grown up thing, and I was doing my small part to help guide our great nation.

Now almost 25 years later, and I have to be bluntly honest here.

Who cares anymore?

Does it really matter if Clown A or Clown B get into office? Is it going to make a bit of difference if we have McCain or Obama.

Maybe.

But the sense of apathy is getting stronger every election. Oh, I will always vote, albeit perhaps while plugging my nose, but I will do my part.

It's just that we are going to get this circus for the next three plus months. Money will be spend, ads will insult and insinuate, and promises will be made so they can later be broken.

Throw in all the local and state elections, and we will soon see the inevitable forest of political yard signs - hell, they are starting to pop up already.

And thankfully, we have the local elections, they are what I actually do care about this year. And making the choice is simple this year - if they were involved in the Sonics debacle, I vote against them.

End of story.

What A Difference 24 Hours Makes

2008-07-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of my more vitriolic entries - I had a fire, I was angry, I wanted to say something. And I still believe every word I wrote.

But I feel tired and beat down today. I have no causes to rant about, no opinions to offer. This usually happens - whenever I confess to the cosmos I am feeling good, inevitably there is a period immediately after where I feel the opposite.

If you've been reading these for a while, you'll recall chasing after people to try to get them to just be with me has been an ongoing theme with me.

I'm thinking of another instance this morning, and pardon me if I don't get into a lot of detail on this one, but it's occurring again. I desire an ongoing connection with someone who in turn is focused on something else. It's not malicious in any way, just that they are dealing with their own mental debates.

And I realize that when I still do feel depressed these days, it's often because I feel like the only correct option I have is to just man-up and let this person go to pursue this spiritual journey they are on. I strongly feel I am just getting in the way, holding them back by placing unreasonable demands that they take time away from their spiritual growth to spend time with me.

Anyway, fear not my readers, I am not wallowing in the Horrid Pits Of Emo Despair. I am just tired, and feeling a little defeated, but not giving up or anything like that. I just don't want to be the anchor that holds someone back anymore.

That just isn't fair at all.

What Would Jesus Buy?

2008-07-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

So, the stunningly beautiful and amazingly brilliant Mrs. Hoerler and I watched a documentary last night called "What Would Jesus Buy?" It featured a blonde coiffed activist/performance artist named Bill Talen who calls himself "Reverend Billy".

Reverend Billy and a group of other activists toured the country in a bus to protest the evils of consumerism. They did performances at churches, where they seemed reasonably well received, and performances at malls and mega-stores where they were not so well received.

They called themselves "The Church Of Stop Shopping" and warned of the "Shopocalypse". Basically their message was that we are compelled to overspend in vast amounts, especially around Christmas, for crap that we don't need with money we don't have. They focused on how bad credit card debt is, and how the holidays would most likely be much more stress free if we weren't so focused on how we had to buy buy buy.

And that brings me to another topic.

Shopping is just one addiction that people use to make themselves feel better. Of course, we had drugs, booze, overeating, sexual addictions, gambling, etc etc etc that can be used to numb the pain of how much life sucks.

But why are we so convinced life sucks? Who drilled that into our head? Is that just another clever coup from the folks marketing the consumer lifestyle?

The western world, and America in particular, have higher depression rates than anywhere else. We are heavily medicated with Xanax, Prozac, Celexa, and on and on. Why? Why? Why?

Now let me say, first off, that I have had my own bouts of melancholia. And sometimes life does suck - like when a loved one dies or we lose everything financially. And some people do need medication, there are real cases of chemical imbalance, but I believe it is probably a lot less than the drug companies want us to believe.

But we still have it so much better, at least for now, than so many places in the world. Somewhere there is an wildebeest herdsman who is ecstatic because he found an extra larva to eat in his bowl of root mash. Somewhere there is an eight year old girl working 16 hours a day six days a week earning 17 cents an hour making the cheap shirts you and I can buy at Wal-Mart. I could list examples for pages, it's a pretty cruel world, especially in much of the third world.

So we sit here, in front of our computer screens, listening to our I-Pods as our friends call us on our cell phones, eating a cookie while drinking a double soy half-caff caramel latte. And so many of us are depressed.

I think that was part of the message implied in the documentary last night, but it wasn't given nearly enough attention. I suspect so many of us are unhappy because we are told we should be unhappy.

Happiness, we are told, will occur when we lose X-number of pounds so we can be anorexic model thin, buy the newest fashion clothing, wear the latest fashion jewelry, drive the hottest car, live in the biggest house with all the fanciest furniture and latest electronic gadgets, and generally spend Spend SPEND!

For the first time in my life I feel I am getting past the melancholia, and it's not because of my car or my laptop or my DVD collection. I feel happy when I get to spend time with my wife. I feel happy when I get to spend time with my kids. I feel happy when I get to spend time with other family and my friends. I feel happy when I get to sit down to a good meal. I feel happy when I get a good night's rest. The list could go on and on, but what I am realizing it that most of the stuff on that list is simple, and not something I buy at a mall or mega-store.

It's the little things. And I think it's realizing I am aging at the same rate whether I feel happy or depressed, so why not try aim for happiness - at least as much as is possible?

Is It This Blog, Or....

2008-07-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

First, I want to apologize to those that expected an entry here yesterday. I seem to actually have a handful of regular readers these days, and one of them let me know they missed seeing an entry yesterday.

Work was kicking my butt, and I was exhausted, hence no blog entry yesterday. I will try to do better. I promise. :-)

I realized something this morning as I was wading through traffic on 167. When I first started this almost daily blogging, every second or third entry was pretty emotional. I always had some "me me me" topic on my mind, and was struggling through a period of ups and downs.

Writing all this stuff out has really seemed to help. I can't even begin to understand why, but it has. And I admit I don't always just want to write out some puff piece here to to say I put something down to fill my daily quota. I have tried to have at least some content from time to time.

I suppose I could try discussing social and political events more. 'Tis the season, after all. We are approaching another of those absurd events we call an "election", and this one feels different than the last few.

Hmmm, maybe that's a topic for tomorrow. Meanwhile, thanks again to all who read this stuff.

This Will Thrill My Daughter

2008-07-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

We went and saw the new Batman movie - The Dark Knight - on Saturday. It was great fun, not perfect, but enjoyable summer action movie fare.

Heath Ledger has received many kudos, and rightly so, for his performance as The Joker. He's twisted, insane, and evil without going too far and being campy.

But the best performance, in my opinion is from one of this generations most underrated actors, Gary Oldman. Like Ledger, he completely disappears into his role. You don't watch him playing Lt. Gordon and see the actor playing a role, you see nothing but the character.

He's done that in other roles too, a recent one being Sirius Black in the Harry Potter movies. So, definite kudos to him - and hence the title of today's entry, he's one of my daughter's favorites as well.

Besides Oldman and Ledger the rest of the cast was all good as well, they rectified the casting mistake of Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes by giving the role to Maggie Gyllenhaal this time around - she brings more of a sense of intelligence and seriousness to the role.

And a further mention to Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent - he is an up and coming actor, for sure. You know the performances are good when Morgan Freeman is almost lost in the shuffle, and the performance of Christian Bale as the hero, while good, is overshadowed by several others.

So, well performed, and it's excellent summer popcorn movie fun. I'm not sure why I still felt a little let down at the end - maybe it's the fact that the action is a little too frenetic at times, there are spots where it's hard to tell who is doing what. It's also pretty long, although I would be hard-pressed to find much that could be edited out. I think it may also have been that the movie arrived with such hype and fanfare that I felt like once I had seen it the movie was almost anti-climactic.

But it's still a fine movie, and I was glad we saw it on the big screen. It will be interesting to see how they play off the ending should they choose to do another chapter.

Just be advised it's also very dark, and there are some wince-inducing moments of mayhem, insanity, murder, and disfiguration. We are going to hold off letting our kids watch this one for a while.

And Moved

2008-07-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I am in my little slice of cube farm heaven. Pardon me for not posting yesterday, I was busy figuring out how the new phone system worked, getting my computer up and running, learning where the bathrooms were, finding where the email I printed actually came out at, and getting the hang of the new coffee maker.

That last part being the most important by far of course.

There are still things to learn. I like to take my lunchtime walks, so I'll have to find a new place to do that. I learned this morning that there is a better route to work than the one that seemed most obvious. I need to figure out where the best teriyaki joint, because Lord knows I love my sugar/salt/ginger marinated chicken over rice.

I gave myself a cubicle warming gift of a small plant, it's cool looking. It's a "fittonia" and has broad round green leaves with pink/reddish looking veins. It is supposed to be a "low light" plant, so hopefully office lighting will be adequate for it. Now I just need to put the poor thing in a bigger pot.

Well, I am actually pretty busy today, that's a good thing, so have a good weekend my lovelies!

Moving Day!

2008-07-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Pardon me, I'm a bit distracted today. My company, as you'll recall from about three entries ago, is moving. We've been going in shifts, most of the people in our old building are already moved, I am one of the last to go.

Today is the big day to pack up. I never realized I had collected so much CRAP in various drawers and under my desk.

But since it is CRAP, most of it now lives in a recycle bin. It'll be nice to start fresh in the new building.

I did have a train of thought this morning however about depression.

It seems to me the vast majority of kids, as long as they are not in toxic environments from the very start, are pretty happy-go-lucky until they reach that stage where life has just severely kicked them in the figurative balls. Like I said, this is just the average kids, not the ones who suffer abuse or neglect from the very beginning.

It's those "innocence lost" moments. Some kids can absorb several, even many, some kids it only takes one. Or the one is a really bad one.

I remember the first time I felt depressed. It was in Junior High, and of course had to do with the horrid teasing I received. That was the first time I ever started feeling unhappy with who I was, because I rationalized that if I wasn't good enough for my peers why should I be good enough for myself?

I wonder if that makes up a larger portion of what causes kids to lose that innocent happiness? The wretched treatment of one's peers has a way to do that, and it can cause long lasting repercussions. Maybe for some it's the death of a family member, like a grandparent, parent, sibling, or other close family member.

I guess there is no avoiding some of life's hard knocks - death for instance. We all are going there, like it or not. But what about abuse from others? If there was some way to stop that, would depression rates improve? Or is it just "kids being kids" and "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger?"

Heh. That's as far as my scattered brain can take this right now. Time to go pack some more.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

2008-07-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

Whenever I struggle in my walk of faith, there is always a reason. Sometimes it's seeing so many people who supposedly share my beliefs who act like this:

Nice job dude. Way to get that message of love, forgiveness, and grace out there.

The first thing I noticed is that his sign has "homo" or "homos" on there THREE times, plus one instance of the word "dyke". Of course, this is one of the biggest hot-buttons in the Christian faith today - all you have to do is mention "homo", "fag", "gay", "gay marriage", or "Brokeback Mountain" in many Christian circles and you will incite much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Why is that? What is it about this one act that angers many Christians so much more than any other sin out there? It is not even specifically listed as one of the Ten Commandments.

So, the people who ranted against Brokeback Mountain - how many of them do you think went to see a movie like The Italian Job, or Ocean's 11, 12, and/or 13, where the GOOD guys are STEALING?

I don't recall any protests over those movies, or ones that depicted adultery, murder, or lying. I'm quite sure the Lord's name is taken in vain in many movies.

Anyway, back to the sign - he also mentions "sports nuts". WHAT?! Sports nuts? Seriously?

Next he has "rebellious women" and "lewd women", plus "pencil necked weak kneed gutless men". I'm guessing this guy has issues with women, period.

I also see "so called Christians". I'm guessing he means people who don't believe exactly like he believes.

There's more, but I'll let you mull over the rest for yourself. Most of the stuff on there is pretty cringe-worthy.

Half A Busy Day (maybe 1/3rd)

2008-07-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

I had one of those days yesterday where I had such good intentions of getting many things done, and it just sort of got away from me. I wanted to mow the back lawn, trim with the weed eater, take a nap, write on my laptop, water the tomatoes, go for a walk, do some laundry, and have a fire in the fire pit.

It actually started off great. I got the mowing and the weed eating done during the morning, before it got too hot. I enjoyed a nice cold shower, and then napped for a bit.

Unfortunately, it went downhill from there. I couldn't sleep nearly as long as I wanted because a) I have a pinched nerve in my neck that hurts when I move around, and b) I woke up in a sweat because it had become hotter than the hubcaps of Hades.

Somehow, waking up that way and not getting nearly as much sleep as I wanted seemed to just take away any motivation to do ANYTHING. It took all I had just to make the kids and I dinner - the lovely and amazing Mrs. Hoerler spent the day with her mom and sister.

So, I didn't write, never even took the laptop out of it's case. I spaced out on the tomatoes. It was too warm for the walk or the fire. And I just had no desire to do laundry.

So what did I do? I watched movies with my kids and drank homemade wine spritzers - wine and club soda over lots and lots of ice - well, I was after all trying to stay cool.

Oh well, it was a day of relaxation at least.

Lovely Fryday randomness

2008-07-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well, the oldest boy arrived back home yesterday, and the belch/noise/running around quotient is back to normal. Glad to have you back Corwin!

My company is moving this week and next into a new building. I have gone through and thrown out so much stuff simply because I didn't want to move it. Besides, if it's two year old paperwork I am pretty sure I won't need it anymore.

Here is the cube farm I will inhabit when I move next week. I'll be on the left, my cube isn't even started yet.

Pretty generic looking, eh? Oh well, I am a part of corporate America.

Another weekend is upon us, and I for one am definitely ready. More fun with lawn mowing, grocery shopping, burger grilling, power napping, and other beloved activities.

Have a good one!

"Write" She Said!

2008-07-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

My sweet and wonderful daughter just sent me an email looking for today's blog fix - she is one of my handful of faithful readers.

Admittedly however, I am not so sure what to write about today. But I will attempt to think of something - this may become a freestyle random selection of various topics.

I am totally digging my new laptop, although I haven't felt like working on either of the stories I have started for the last two days. I swiped the internet cable out of our desktop instead last night and took the laptop for a spin on the interwebz. The laptop has a wireless internet card in it, but we need to set up a wireless router to send it a signal. So for now I borrow the connection from the desktop. I suppose I could take the laptop to a Starbucks or some other "free wi-fi" spot, but I haven't yet.

Speaking of my daughter, she is jonesing on my laptop pretty good too. I did finally break down and let her use it a little last night - it only seemed fair since I still had the internet plugged into it instead of the desktop. She really wants one of her own, I guess she'll need to start saving those pennies.

But mostly the laptop is for me, and I'm insanely happy about that. Plus it motivates me to actually write - well, except last night. I spent enough on this thing, I feel like I need to actually use it for the purpose I bought it for.

I've been back in touch with an old college chum named Dean. We didn't part on the best of terms, but I am interested in putting that to rest and reforging a friendship. Dean seems to feel the same way, so here's to hoping from good things come from that. Plus Dean is in contact with Brent, another old chum from those crazy days that I would like to catch up with.

Well Vivian, I hope this satisfies your need for reading. Nothing much of importance, but a little peek into that mind of mine.

And can I just say how much I love, cherish, and adore my wife and kids?

Because I am going to. So there. :-)

Missing the oldest boy this time

2008-07-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well, we had Vivian had off to 6th grade camp, so we could see what it was like when she wasn't around, and then we had Joshua off to his grandmother's so we could see what it was like when he wasn't around.

Now it's Corwin's turn - he's off for almost a week with his grandmother. I love all my kids, and miss each one if they are gone, but it's interesting to notice what seems to be lacking when one is gone - it's different for each.

With Corwin there is a level of energy and boyish enthusiasm that is noticeably absent when he is gone. The house is actually quieter, and I don't mean that as a knock on Corwin at all, just an observation. Corwin is all energy and bounce and is unashamedly male.

But he is having a good time with grandma, and being the middle child he has probably had the least amount of one-on-one time with anyone, so I'm sure this is very good for him.

Well, I don't have much else to say today, but I do want to thank all of you that take the time to read this thing - I know there are a few of you now. You are awesome!

Wall-E

2008-07-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

It's time for a movie review. Go see Wall-E. Go see it now.

I was literally blown away. The visuals were stunning. First with a post-apocalyptic earth, then with the space scenes. Just....wow.

The story was simple, yet moving. I was in tears, and at the end I was literally rendered speechless for several minutes as I tried to process the movie.

Pixar has not done a bad movie yet, I enjoyed each and every one of them, but this is the first one to move me so. It's their crown jewel.

Now, not everyone may agree - Mrs. Hoerler liked it, but placed it more in the middle of the pack of the Pixar stable. But I freaking loved it, I will buy the DVD the very same day it comes out. Hell, I might have to see it in the theater again.

This will be a slam dunk for a Best Animated Feature nomination, and deserves to win.

But I am going to go one huge step further and say I think it should be nominated for Best Picture, period. It's a rated G animated movie that achieves so much more than most any other movie out there.

You don't need to have kids for an excuse to see Wall-E. Just go see it.

Well, I hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th of July. We went to Ma Hoerler's and food was grilled. The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing, I got my laptop, and I have already started my writing.

Questions! Questions that need answering!

2008-07-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

So, the point was raised via some comments on yesterday's blog entry basically asking "so, why would you even want to hang out with these guys anyway?"

Good question. I will try to answer it without running on and on and on.

First - because of how I was treated in the past, when the acceptance of the uber-macho types is dangled in front of me, I lose the ability to relax and just be myself. Somehow I have to IMPRESS these guys, out of some deep-rooted desire to finally fit in with the alpha-male types.

It's stupid and silly, I know. And I don't REALLY want to, but it's hard getting past that old habit. But I am learning that I can change, and this is just another area where change would be good. It's part of the whole "letting go of the past and forgiving those that hurt you" deal.

Second - because I have to work with these guys. They get my jobs done. If I maintain a good relationship with them, the likelihood that my jobs will be done well and on-time cannot help but be improved. So, I don't have to hang out with them after work or anything, but a good working relationship is helpful.

I know that goes both ways, hence my telling the guy how I felt yesterday.

Well, enough of that. We got our stimulus check finally, and we will do our part to stimulate the economy by paying some bills. Yay us! Actually I do hope to use a little of that to buy myself a laptop so I can have something to do my writing on.

We've been treated to some freak-ass weather in the last 18 hours. Lots of thunder and lightening, hell the sky looked like a Laser Pink Floyd show last night. Then we had some more boomers right over the top of the building here today. Some of the people in the warehouse actually screamed at the first one, it was so loud and unexpected.

Plus our hot weather is gone again, it was raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock earlier this morning. I'm just SO glad I bothered watering my tomatoes last night.

Quitter! And HaHaHa You're Fat!

2008-07-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

The ever vivacious and stunningly beautiful Mrs. Hoerler is trying to quit smoking, and it's kicking her ass. From everything I've ever heard it's incredibly damn difficult.

How is that our society can be so hell-bent on protecting us in so many ways - seat belt laws, helmet laws, and drug laws are among many instances of our government in action trying to protect us from ourselves. Yet it continues to allow this product that is more physically addictive than heroin and kills you slowly to be sold legally still.

Can you say lobbyist money? I knew you could.

And I struggle with my own addiction - to eating too much. And the hell of food is that, unlike cigarettes, you cannot just swear off it. Cigarettes are not necessary in any way, shape, or form to survival. But food is. And too much of it can still kill you.

I seem to have successfully restarted my weight loss program in the last few weeks, but not soon enough I guess.

We have a crew of guys working in the mail room that are decent hard working guys, but come from a rougher style of life than I am used to. They rag each other mercilessly about everything. To belong to their circle, you need to both take it and then dish it back.

So naturally when one of them made a joke about my weight, I realized this and grinned and joked back before going on my way.

But it still hurts. I just don't think saying anything to this guy is going to make any difference. I don't know that for a fact, but knowing the type of guy he is I feel I should just count myself lucky he even accepts me enough to joke to.

Saying something would just alienate me from that group, and that guy. So what's worse? Take the joke (and dish some back) and count these people as someone I can view as a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance? Do I need to adapt to their culture if I want to ever join it? Or say something and feel better in the short term, but lose the connection?

I think I want to say something, but I just don't think it will make a difference. Plus I don't trust myself right now. I'm angry. Very angry. And I feel like I would just want to hurt him back right now. And that's not the right way to deal with it either.

_____________________________________________

2 hours later edit - I did talk to the guy, and he was pretty cool about it. I explained it was really just my past coloring my view anyway.

My brilliant and astute spouse pointed out that I could still use work on forgiving some of the people who hurt me in my past. That would include every rude kid who ever picked on me because I was fat. My anger at that makes it so that I still overreact to things like today's incident.

And overreact I did.

Once they were best buddies....

2008-07-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

The glamorous and brilliant Mrs. Hoerler and I have three kids - Vivian, Corwin, and Joshua. Vivian is 12, Corwin is 10, and Joshua is 7.

Vivian and Corwin were born 17-1/2 months apart, and because of the proximity of their age were very close from the time they were old enough to recognize each other. Actually, they were damn near inseparable for a while. They even had little names for each other - a very little Corwin called his sister "Winnie" because he had trouble even saying Vivian. And Vivian called him "Baba", which we suspect was some toddler derivation of "brother".

A few years go by, and while they have the inevitable squabble on occasion, they are still pretty close. They play together all the time.

But then a few more years go by, something has changed lately. They still play together - occasionally. But more often they do not. They are developing their own friends and their own lives. This is good and natural to some degree.

But there is a disturbing new trend - they can be so rude to each other. Just dirty, to the bone insults. Sometimes I think it's just their way of play-teasing each other, other times I know for a fact it is done with malice and intent to wound.

I suppose this too is part and parcel of siblings who are careening recklessly toward the teen years. I never had blood related siblings around, so I can only guess based on watching my step-sisters fight and listening to tales of other siblings, including Mrs. Hoerler and her brother Brad.

But it still hurts my heart to hear them say such things to each other, I know for a fact I am never going to like it. And telling them not to do it doesn't seem to stop them. I am quite sure that just drives it underground, so that they just save it more for when they think us adults aren't listening. Then later it slips out again even when we are around.

In fact, some of what passes for "conversation" between the kids when the adults aren't an obviously visible presence is quite disgusting. Corwin and his friend Forrest were talking about how a certain part of their male anatomy could shoot acid, using the word "dick". Nice.

But then I remind myself that we liked to do the same when we were that age, it made us feel so cool and dangerous to talk about "taboo" topics. And I turned out just fine.

Didn't I? ;-)

Hot 'Nuff Fer Ya?

2008-06-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

That's the line that is said 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 times every summer when it gets warm around our house. It's a joke, based on it's something my batshit-insane step-great-grandfather used to say when the temperature started to rise. You have to say it like you are 82, with ill-fitting dentures, and don't forget the batshit-crazy.

Thank you God for giving me a wife that puts up with my occasionally moronic sense of humor.

We've had a weird year weather-wise. We never had much of a spring, there were a few nice days in the mix, but it seemed cold and wet most of the time, until mid to late June. Then there were a few nicer days, then suddenly BAM it's 95 degrees time.

The natives grow restless in these conditions. Usually we have a more gradual period where everyone can slow down complaining about how cold and wet it is, and gradually build up to how farking hot it is.

But not this year. I swear, last week I heard complaints that it was still cold, and now everyone is groaning about how hot it is.

And indeed it was pretty hot this weekend. I got some yard work done Saturday morning. I was cruising along, busy trimming, mowing, and such when suddenly I realized I had sunburned myself pretty good and I was feeling faint from heat exhaustion.

So I did the only sensible thing and loaded the kids in the car so we could go sit in an air-conditioned movie theater.

Hot nuff fer ya?